Monday, October 24, 2011

The Great White Shark Hunt

Apologies to Hunter S. Thompson.

Don’t ask me how, but I did the impossible and wangled a CHOGM media pass not only for myself, but for my outrageously loud Fijian lawyer who I’d bought with me on this gig to handle ‘supplies’. And the way things were shaping up, we were going to need all the supplies we could lay our greedy hands on if we were to maintain some semblance of sanity and avoid having our skulls cracked by the trigger itchy security goons on every street corner.

Welcome to Perth, home of the all mighty mining dollar where everything’s fast, shiny and shuts at six. As all good gigs go, this one had taken a sharp turn to the left and was fast sliding into the realms of absurdity – a place where only the most drug addled of minds can operate successfully without succumbing to crippling, eye gouging paranoia.

It was not a place to be without a high powered weapon. I had been here before and I would be here again, but first something had to die.

Lazlo and I found ourselves riding high on the fly-bridge of the FarQ II heading out of Fremantle towards Rottnest Island. We had intended to spend the day running amok on a Captain Cook winery cruise, but that was until shark frenzy took a choker hold on Perth City and every redneck who owned a tinny suddenly morphed into a wild-eyed cross between Captain Nemo and Crocodile Dundee.

Another week, another shark death. It was all too much for a town on the verge of CHOGM glory, so the call went out to ‘shoot to kill’ and the race was on to see who would string this monster of the deep up by its murderous tail and bring justice to the land once again.

We’d packed lightly for this trip. An esky full of dark rum, three sheets of blotter acid and enough cocaine to keep the Bolivian Army marching for a year. We also had two high tensile trolling rods baited with whole pig’s heads, 120 litres of sheep blood, a pump action Ruger shotgun, a .45 Colt and an Alaskan pick axe just in case the fight came to close quarters.

We were half way across ‘Stragglers’ when the drugs began to take hold and the shit began to go down. Captain Jack had been busy ladelling bucket-loads of gore into our wake, when suddenly line started screaming off one of the trolling rods, as the water exploded about 100m off the starboard bow.

The whole boat lurched and I spilled most of my rum down Lazlo’s shirt as he scrambled around on deck like a ludicrous, hairy crab trying to find its footing. “Stay still, you fool. You’ll get us all killed carrying on like that.” I pushed him back into his chair and stood back to take stock of the situation.

Line continued to burn off the smoking reel and it was obvious that we’d hooked into something huge and terrifying that would drag us all to our death, boat and all. “There’s only one thing for it, we’ll have to shoot the fucker!” I screamed grappling for the shot gun and taking the steps to the deck three at a time. “Stand back Captain Jack, this one’s mine!”

The crew cowered in the bulk-head fearing the worst as I surveyed the broiling, inky waters before me. Shapes loomed from the deep, bats screeched from the heavens... yes, there are ALWAYS bats... as I took my bead on one evil murderous eye that gleamed from the head of a white pointer bigger than a Kombi Van and now only metres from where I stood. One, two...

‘BARPPPPP!’ The sound caught me like a punch in the face as a fast moving ferry cut across our bow and a single figure leapt gracefully from the deck clutching a spear in one hand and a Swiss Army Knife in the other. In a second the hunt was over and my final moment of glory snatched cruelly from my grasp.

I reached for the rum and chuckled quietly under my breath. “We meet again Freocookster... we meet again.”

Friday, September 30, 2011

When pranks go wrong...

Listening to a commercial radio station today they were talking about how the condom full of icecream prank at McDonald's Geraldton went so horribly wrong. They asked listeners to share their examples of when seemingly hilarious pranks went wrong.

Now those who know me will understand that I'm a keen prankster who would lie to his own Mum for the chance to get a laugh at someone else's expense. Generally these pranks involve a small white lie that I put right before the whole thing goes pear shaped and the poo hits the proverbial.

But sometimes time gets away from me and I forget the seed I've sown until it blooms into something way beyond a simple joke and threatens the balance of peace in the free world... or in my world at least.

Here's a great case in point...

Back in the 90s I worked at the POST Newspaper group where we put out a half dozen papers covering Melbourne's outer eastern suburbs. At the time I was working as editor of the Whitehorse POST covering the Box Hill area and surrounds, but had until recently edited the Maroondah POST which takes in Ringwood and Croydon.

So, I'm digging through my in-tray one morning and come across a police media alert about two men who had been arrested and charged with grievous bodily harm after assaulting a man at Jooce Nightclub (yep, as bogan as the name sounds).

The report was from a year earlier, but I thought it'd be rib ticklingly funny to white out the dates and change it to the current day, then photocopy it and slide it into my mate Peter's tray who was now editing the Maroondah POST.

Of course, he pulls it out, we have a quick yarn about the story and then I promptly forget all about it and start work on my front page story about poison dim sims in a suburban supermarket (seriously).

Fast forward two days later and the whole office is in a deadline frenzy. I wander past Peter's desk where he's hunkered over his screen with our editor in chief Mal, working on his front page story - both are in a lather to get it right, given it has serious legalities about what can and can't go to print.

That's when the 72pt headline jumps off the screen and rabbit punches me between the eyes: MEN CHARGED WITH JOOCE BASHING

And that's when I had to explain why it would be a very bad idea to run with that story and how very sorry I was to have left them stranded on deadline day without a front page yarn.

I think the C word may have come into play that afternoon.

The upside for Peter was that a few weeks later he convinced me that I'd gone to print with a headline talking about the Mininster for the Farts. Touche!

When has one of your pranks turned around and savaged you in the backside?

Sunday, May 29, 2011

A very Gonzo Sexpo Perth 2011

It's all over for another year, but Sexpo 2011 has been a blast.

But the biggest highlight for me came about through the power of twitter. As the bloke behind the @SexpoPerth twitter account, I spent quite a bit of time interacting with the stars of the show online, so thought I'd do my last tweeting live from the show.

I got a snap of adult film star Katsuni (@Katsuni)in action posing for pics with the punters and tweeted that I'd like to go say hi, but she was obviously too busy. And I didn't want to look like the creepy fanboi Sexpo single guy. There were enough of those already.

Anyway, a couple of minutes later a guy taps me on the shoulder and asks, 'Are you the Sexpo twitter guy?' I give a slightly hesitant, 'um, yeah...' and he tells me Katsuni wants to say hello.

So I go and sit on the couch with Katsuni, we have a nice chat and I get a photo of us on my iPhone and another glossy 10x8 which is now on the office pin-up board... how nice is that? A lovely lady and a French accent to die for.

Sure it's pretty cheesy and I'm fairly certain Mrs Freocookster isn't a big fan of me hanging with porn stars, but it's also kinda cool in a Gonzo kinda way.

Twenty years ago I would have taken the whole shebang down the Gonzo path aka HS Thompson, right from the get-go.

Back then I would have been liquored-up to the eyeballs, thrown Miss Katsuni over my shoulder and stumbled outside to my waiting topless Cadillac Eldorado, waving people away with a giant vibrating black dong.

I would have thrown her in the back, popped the trunk to snatch a handfull of blotter acid and a quart of ether, then pointed the Caddy down Great Eastern Hwy on a course for the Great Sandy Desert... pausing only briefly to swat the bats from my face (with the dong) and pick up my crazed Samoan lawyer.

But of course that was 20 years ago. This time around I smiled for the camera like a creepy fanboi, wished Katsuni a safe flight, got a peck on the cheek and set off home for the Western Suburbs in my Mazda 121 hoping to beat the rain. Gonzo man, pure Gonzo...

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Bran Nue Day in Broome

A short clip I took of Stephen Baamba Albert singing Bran Nue Dae at the North West Expo in Broome last weekend.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Back on the Sexpo bandwagon

It's hard to believe it's been a full two years since I was handing out pink fluffy handcuffs to the Perth media set to promote the arrival of Sexpo to town.

But indeed, Perth's naughtiest four day event is back from 26-29 May at the Perth Conference and Exhibition Centre. And this year we gave out pink feather boas - far more tasteful!

Today's Inside Cover in The West Australian drew attention to the fact that even Kevin Rudd is following @SexpoPerth on twitter... we're working on Joe Hockey as the opposition representative!

In addition, International ambassador for Sexpo 2011, Michelle ‘Bombshell’

McGee will be sliding between the sheets in a custom-made four-poster bed at Barrack Square on Wednesday, 25 May and she wants Perth couples to join her.

‘Bombshell’ will be looking to set a new record for the most people in one bed at the same time and kick-start the world’s biggest adult lifestyle show.

If you're interested in participating in the bed record attempt you can register by emailing April at or by direct message on twitter to @SexpoPerth.


Friday, January 28, 2011

Starter Bar Tonight!


Starter Bar Tonight at the North Fremantle Bowling Club!

Tonight at The North Freo Bowls, DJ Ipod Sally plays 60s Garage, Psych Pop and 80s indi trash !!!!

Catch an acoustic performance By Michael Gabriel and his Quixotics, featuring his newly written song, 'The Don Walker Blues'.

ALSO The 'New and Improved' Long Strides without the bass player and second guitarist.

When asked what happened, singer songwriter and lead singer Matt Jenkins was posting on his Twitter account: 'There's no room on these tiny stages for my style, cute butt and sexy lips. I had to clear my head and five instruments was too much clutter. My new vision of the music is simple, and I am a slave to that single vision.

'It is a simple chain saw pop song with a thumping rhythm, and tasty morsels of meaty guitar. No bass no extra guitar no fuss!! Hey it's not like I shot them. I just fired their arses. My vocal chords are an instrument of andemic proportion and they needed more space.'

Also playing, the no mess no fuss FAGS will shake it just before their big Day Out Gig, not available for comment at the time of writing....

$5 at the door be early :)

7:30-8:30 IPod Sally 60's tunes
8:30-9:10 Michael Gabriel and The Quixotics
9:30-10:10 The Long Strides
10:30-11:10 The Fags
11:10-I-Pod Sally

More info: Richard Lane 0406 883 709

Friday, January 21, 2011

Flood Fundraising Gig

A great Flood Fundraiser gig at North Fremantle Bowling Club tonight from 4.30 until late!

More than a dozen local bands and musicians will take to two stages, indoors and out, with plenty of other activities to keep people of all ages happy.

Entry: Adults - $10 Kids - free.
Woodfired Pizzas
Jumping Castle until sunset
Free bowls
Heaps of prizes and giveaways, bring your friends and have some fun for charity :)

Outdoor (Solo and Duo Acoustic stage)
Also featuring : Casual Compare /Street Poet and Host With The Most Mr Damon Hurst

4.30-5.00 That Velvet Echo
5.00-5.20 Steve Andrews
5.30- 5.50 Michael Gabriel from The Quixotics
6.00 -6.20 James Mittell
6.30- 6.50 Elk
7.00 -7.20 Gabriel Lee (Stillfire)
7.30-7.50 Lachy Banjo (ex Kill Devil Hills)
8.00.-8.20 Fremantle Ukelelle Collective
8.30 9.00 Brown Dog Salloon

9.10- 9.50 pm The Morning Night
10.10-10.50 pm Salvage Diver
11.10-11.50 pm The Moltens