Fear and loathing on the WA campaign trail

This election has given me the yips. There is no doubting that the Libs were in disarray only a few short weeks ago, but somehow, Colin Barnett has managed to haul himself out of his slippery-sided retirement canal and looks like having a 'sniff' of winning this race. Who woulda thunk it?

Much of his campaign to date has been based on asserting that Carps' decision to call a snap poll just as we were heading into two weeks of Olympics was the act of an arrogant and desperate man. "He's running and I'm chasing," Col said at the time.

Even Carps is now admitting that much of the shit being thrown has stuck to the blanket and his party is now claiming underdog status - the anti-arrogance ploy... would you like a powerpoint on that?

Making hay while he was nipping at Carps' heels, Col commissioned a series of ad campaigns that tailed off with the slogan, 'Carpenters can't fix everything' (or something equally as corny) complete with the sound of sawing and hammering. A particularly lamentable effort that appears to have been coined by the office work experience kid who no doubt thinks he / she has a fabulous career ahead in advertising - no, you don't.

But that old adage, it's time for a change, seems to have some momentum in this campaign. Yes, we all know the Libs have a list of ex-leaders that rivals Imelda Marcos' shoe collection, but apart from the canal cock up, Col appears to be gaining traction. It's a steep and treacherous slope, but he only has to hold on for two more weeks.

In a bid to knock Col off the pile, Carps is doing what all good West Aussies would, and launching a few well aimed boondies at his rival's bonce. He's hoping to find that rarest of rare boondies that's hiding a stone inside the crusty outer layer of relatively harmless sand. A boondie with a stone at its core is a sure fire way to land an unexpected and potentially critical blow to the Lib's campaign... they've been known to take out an eye and this is the sort of collatoral damage that the ALP is needing right about about now.

Today, Carps held a presser in the back of a combi van in South Terrace, Fremantle, promising to legislate to ban uranium mining... man... if he was re-elected. After passing the doobie across to the Greens - Olympic baton style - Carps calmly readjusted his kaftan, splashed on some patchouli and strolled arrog... ummm... purposefully across the road for a refreshing cup of lemon zinger.

Meanwhile, Col was impressing the kids on NOVA by promising the hosts that he'd personally buy them a handball to kickstart their bid to have Australia represent the sport at the next Olympic Games. Hip man. Broken hip.

So far, the voter comment that most effectively sums up this campaign was aired on 720 ABC radio yesterday. In response to the question, 'who will you be voting for?' a Kingsley woman giggled and fired back with, 'I dunno, whoever my husband's voting for'.

Is it any wonder that in this great State we can't buy groceries on a Sunday and people start foaming at the mouth when you mention daylight saving? And don't get me started on the front lawn. Just don't.

Hang tough and watch out for flying boondies.

Where the bloody hell are we?

Would the last person to leave Perth please turn off the lights... oh, they were never on.

I can't believe it. Just when we were acting all grown up, suddenly the blinkers are back on and we're all huddled around the wireless counting our ration coupons again.

Yes indeed, the prospect of Sunday trading has been dealt a lethal blow. Perth, 2 hours and 25 years behind the rest of Australia - the only city where you can't go shopping on a Sunday if that's what you choose to do.

Go on, let's go the whole hog - bring back roster petrol stations, stamp out those pesky supermarkets that dare to stay open beyond 5.30pm, make bottle shops illegal so that we have to run grog in from illicit stills hidden deep in the hills and - most importantly - repeal the daylight savings legislation immediately.

In fact, I say we not only abolish daylight savings, but we go one step further and put the clocks forward by an extra hour! What better than a city that slips under the cover of darkness at 5.30pm and wakes to a new day at 4.00am. We'll be able to water the lawns for hours, take our dogs out to shit in other people's front yards, put in the hard yards on talk back radio, water some more, have dinner at 4.30pm and be tucked up in bed by 6.00pm - bliss!

What the friggen hell is wrong with the idea of deregulated trading hours? It means more work for more people and gives us all an opportunity to do our shopping outside of the restrictive hours that currently exist. My local IGA closes at 5.30pm every week day except Thursday and I am not one tiny bit interested in joining the crowds for 'late night' shopping, or for that matter the mad Saturday supermarket rush.

I think this whole issue has got more to do with the fact that we're so isolated from the rest of the country that we feel the need to be 'different' - it's the old chip on the shoulder syndrome. More of the old 'If it aint broke, don't fix it' mantra.

Perth is acting like a spoilt child stamping its feet, squeezing its eyes shut and screeching its lungs out to avoid the tide of change. NO, we don't need to be like everyone else, but resistance simply for the sake of being 'different' is infantile.

Now before you take me away and start beating me about the kidneys with old phone books, let me just state that I love WA and the lifestyle it offers. All I'm asking is that we start looking more to the future instead of fretting over maintaining the status quo all the time.

Anyway, got to sign off and get back to the lawns...