Only in America...

Lordy, lordy, pants on fire! Yes, in another example of how some things can only ever happen in the US of A, deep, dark conservative right group the American Family Association (AFA)are boycotting McDonald's because they claim it supports and encourages homosexuality.

According to US-based blog Think Progress:

AFA is upset at McDonald’s for refusing to condemn Vice President of Communications Richard Ellis’s decision to serve on the Board of Directors of the National Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce (NGLCC). AFA President Donald Wildmon said the situation is “strange” because “it’s the family that McDonald’s appeals to — children’s playland, you know, all the little toys, all of that. And they are promoting a lifestyle that would utterly destroy the traditional family.”

Okay, "all the little toys, all of that." So I'm assuming that Don's belief is that gay people don't have an appreciation of playland and toys... possibly too busy having rampant sexual encounters in leather bars, or trying their hardest to get into poor Don's well starched y-fronts?

I have to say, in my years of public relations work for the Golden Arches (yes, I do PR work for McDonald's in Western Australia), having to prepare a statement to combat this sort of homophobic, red neck agenda, is something I haven't yet had the pleasure to do.

Here are a few comments that have been posted on the Boycott McDonald's website:

"WE GO TO MCDONALDS FOR YEARS. NO MORE. WE WILL NEVER SET FOOT IN YOUR PLACE AGAIN. I AM SICK AND TIRED OF FAMILY PLACES APPROVING THE GAY LESBIAN ALLIANCE. NO MORE KIDS MEALS FOR US. AND MANY OTHERS WILL BE TOLD ABOUT IT."

"McDonald's says they are committed to diversity. Political Correctness and diversity are two of the major reasons that this country is in such a mess. Diversity is not a strength. It is a weakness. Diversity divides a country or a pople. Also homosexual life style is one of the major reasons that Greek and Roman empires fell. I will not eat at McDonals' again."

Sweet jesus, we're talkin' some real homeland folks here, the sort of people who still cheer at the final scenes in Easy Rider where Hopper and Fonda get blown off their choppers. Yes siree, aint no diversity 'llowed round those parts, whether it be racial, cultural or sexual.

And there's nothing like a sweeping statement that homosexuality "is one of the major reasons that Greek and Roman empires fell". Well, ah don't rightly know if a bit of mano-a-mano action really had much to do with all that Jim Bob, Billy Joe or whatever name your Mama (or was it your Sister?) decided to annoint you with. Maybe you just fell off a rogue steer, hit your head and you aint thinkin' straight?

This one's a real cracker:

"Dearest McDonalds, I am deeply saddened at your decision to sponsor the sodomitic lifestyle. Thoughts have consequences, which usually lead to actions and it seems that McDonalds has caved to a few sodomites that believe that their choice to have sexual relations with the same sex is on par with other true civil rights. I am sorry to say that my limited discretionary spending allocated to fast food will now go to any other restaurant besides your own. McDonalds...Think things through and seek the will of God, not the will of people who believe that their physical urges to have sex in an un-natural manner have any priority what-so-ever. Good Luck...:("

But of course, this person, obviously not "sodomotic" only ever has sex in a perfectly "natural" manner. Or maybe she isn't getting any at all?

The common thread in all these comments is that these people want McDonald's to remain "neutral". Well, I'm sorry, a company that employs and serves a diverse range of people who are white, black, asian, hispanic, straight, gay, christian, muslim, jewish, rastafarian, etc, etc, etc, is socially obligated to support their rights as independently thinking human beings.

It's the bloody minded and ignorant members of society who think their way is the be all and end of of civilisation that pose the greatest threat to our way of life. Maybe our more progressive companies recognise this and are quite happy to leave you behind as they move ahead with the times?

Fishing the social media seas

I loved this quote that was in the program for a great PRIA seminar I attended today on New Media and PR:

'The good news is, everyone's visible online. The bad news is we're all three inches tall.' Seth Godin, Purple Cow.

It reminds me of a tag line that fellow blogger Tea Brennan once used: 'I went outside once and the graphics were shit.'

Yes, there's no doubt that we're all spending a truck load more time hanging out and communicating online and those conversations are bouncing around out there on the interwebs for EVERYONE to read.

And trawling this vast sea of information are whole fleets of search engines like Google Alert, dipping their lines into the briny and landing fat, fishy hauls of conversation into the inboxes of people worldwide. Us fisherpeople specify what species of information we're after, but just like the 'real world', sometimes you've got to wear the odd clump of seaweed, or pull your hook off an information snag.

* Okay, it's a tenuous analogy, but it's the best I can do over a luke warm coffee and a bag of orange snakes! *

What today's seminar has reinforced is that the term virtual reality is increasingly a misnomer. Today's online world is as real as bricks and mortar and for people working in the communications game it's a case of come on board today, or risk becoming the techno dinosaurs of tomorrow.

Yeah, you're probably saying 'ah, der!', but as someone who has had their toe in the online world since 2005, there is so much I still need to learn... and it changes every day. While we have office IT - slash - techno geeks who champion the online world, in some countries they have PR people who work exclusively within 'teh interwebs' - Digital Influence Teams... go figure! In Australia we're still fighting for the right to access facebook at work.

I also found out this morning that blogging is like ohhhh sooooo yesterday, but hey, I'm an old fashioned sorta guy. Twittering is now the way to go, so expect me to drag myself out of the briny and up into the big blue sky any day soon! And beyond that I'll be Plurking and Plazing on my mobile phone.

Yes indeed, it's time to get with the program or risk legions of smarmy Gen-Y fake tan purveyors snickering at us as we get our Twitters confused with our facebooks.

A big thanks to: Richard Giles from Recommendations Ventures and scouta.com; Bronwen Clune, CEO of Norg Media, founder of perthnorg.com.au; and Steven Taylor from Creative Nature Communications who has been using the interwebs since the days when Commodore 64s were still being traded on the open market.

One last thing - I know all three of you have got your information long-lines dangling in the briny waiting for any company mentions via Google Alert, so if you do happen to sail past The Perth Files, please be sure to leave me a message.

Gas crisis, what crisis?

Since Carps captured the airwaves last night to advise us to stop burning so much gas, there have already been a few grumblings among those who feel it's their God given right to chew through our natural resources, no matter how finite they might be. To these people, the pipeline explosion may as well have taken place on Uranus for all they care...

Anyway, I'm convinced that those who flaunt the call to turn down the gas are the same people who steadfastly refuse to obey water restrictions and would defend their right to have a green lawn (and a warm house) with sawn-off shotguns, if they could only convince the powers that be that guns are good. Yes, while I'm outside hosing the leaves off my driveway, I demand the right to fire up the Rinnai space heater... and I'll leave all the lights on as well, so ner!

I'm sure that these people are a small minority, but if anyone out there really does feel aggrieved at the thought of having to layer up to beat the chill instead of hitting a switch, they should remember how the gas crisis could be so much worse. This Wikipedia extract gives you some context:

The fire at the plant was not extinguished until two days later. The Longford plant was shut down immediately, and the state of Victoria was left without its primary gas supplier. Within days, the Victorian Energy Network Corporation shut down the state's entire gas supply.

The sudden crisis was devastating to Victoria's economy, crippling industry and the commercial sector (in particular, the hospitality industry which relied on natural gas for cooking).

Natural gas is also widely used residentially in Victoria for hot water and gas heating, and Victorians endured 20 days of cold showers and chilly nights.

Gas supplies to Victoria were resumed on 14 October. Many Victorians were outraged and upset to discover only minor compensation on their next gas bill, with the average compensation figure being only around $10.

Yes, I was living in Melbourne at the time and while we Perthites do cop our early morning chills, imagine living with days on end where the temperature struggles to get beyond 12 degrees at any stage. Then try and imagine how having NO gas would affect you. And when I say no gas, I mean having your gas turned off at the meter and $5,000 fines if you get caught turning them back on.

Having no gas means no hot showers for a start, unless you have an electric hot water system. Oh joy, struggle out of bed at 5am and spend the next 30 minutes boiling the kettle non-stop to get enough hot water for a sponge bath. Those brave enough, or in desperate need of a proper hair wash, simply ran the gauntlet and endured an ice cold shower. Bracing, very bracing.

Of course, those with electric systems found their houses resembling the old Rottnest Island shower building, with people lined up, shower cap in hand.

And then there were those who gave up on bathing... I met quite a few of them on the public transport system. A fragrant bunch.

So, you can't shower, but maybe you can make up for it with a nice cooked breakfast? No, not if you're like many people who have a gas stove and oven. Suddenly every night is Lean Cuisine night. In the evenings you sit cold and slightly stinky in front of the flameless gas heater, chewing miserably on your TV dinner, watching the news for reports on those shameless parasitic scumbags who dare turn their gas back on.

A lot of children were spawned on those dark cold nights, so here's a thought! Rather than procrastinate about turning down the heating, do the wise thing and procreate instead - your country will thank you...

Friday the 13th

I'm not normally spooked by Friday the 13th, or the number 13 in general - both my wife and sister were born on the 13th and I'm yet to find the number of the beast tatooed on their heads... I have looked though.

However, this Friday the 13th was different, thanks largely to that blonde woman of indeterminate age on TV who reportedly used to be Kerrie Anne Kennerly.

Yes, I was doing the dad at home routine and inbetween mopping up sodden toast crusts and soiled nappies I sat down to check out Mornings with Kerrie-Anne, just to see how the old girl was travelling. When I worked at Channel Nine in Melbourne for a year, I shared an office with a larger than life framed photo of Kezza and a box of muesli once owned by Frankie J Holden, so I look on her as on old friend... how old I'm not exactly sure.

Anyway, after initially being taken aback by the bigger than big hair and ever deepening cleavage, I noted that she'd taken on a Friday the 13th theme - gravestones, plastic skeletons, lava lamps (WTF?) etc. And all her guests were involved with 'spooky stuff', including a white witch with a head of hair that looked like a stage prop... or a well groomed mop.

One of the the statistics they threw up on the show was that on Friday the 13th there is a 60% increase in traffic accidents. Great, I was taking the baby, a three-year-old and my son on a trip half way across Perth later that day and not only was I taking on Australia's worst drivers, I was now 60% more likely to encounter one that was totally wigged-out by superstitious Friday the 13th voodoo shit.

But hey, the weather was good, visibility excellent and the people mover in better working order than most Qantas jets... so off we went.

All went well for the first third of the journey and we were almost at the Leach Highway exit on the freeway when my nuff-nuff radar burst into action. Hello, hello, those boxes on the back of that ute don't look too stable. Hmmm, why is he driving like that. Okay, let's hope that box about to topple onto the road is empty...

Of course it wasn't empty. It was full. It was full of a large piece of steel, commonly refered to as a washing machine. Box hits freeway 10 metres in front of me, I brake slowly but forcefully, washing machine comes flying out of the box and skids across into the centre lane in a shower of sparks. Luckily, no one was in that lane next to me and even luckier still that the freakin' thing didn't head straight back into the people mover - I don't know what would happen if you hit a washing machine at 80 clicks, but it can't be good.

So we continued on our journey and finally got home safely, with nairy a whitegood in sight for the remainder of the trip.

Next year I'll stay at home and do a few loads of washing instead. And if the Miele even looks like trying to go me, I'll give it a swift clip around the soap tray. Thanks Kezza.

Bring back Boston Legal at 9.30!

Going off topic, I just wanted to vent for a moment about Channel Seven's decision to air the particularly lame, run of the mill new crime offering Criminal Minds at 9.30pm on Monday nights.

My beef? It pushes Boston Legal, arguably television's finest offering right now, out to a 10.30pm timeslot which is too 'effing late for this little black duck.

In recent weeks I've enjoyed ending my Monday nights with William Shatner and James Spader as they ponder the week just gone over a cognac and Cuban cigar on the balcony of their Boston condo... it's funny, it's irreverent, it's politically incorrect and it doesn't involve a bunch of scowling crime geeks solving some half arsed crime that no one gives a toss about anyway.

I'm sorry, but I'm so over the CSI-style television genre that I was never on the bandwagon in the first place.

I seem to recall the same fate afflicting The Sopranos and the West Wing... not good enough! It's bad enough when regular shows are pushed back by the likes of So You Think You Can Dance, Sing, Skate, Perform Open Heart Surgery, without this sort of blatant 'up yours' programming.

If you want to have your say, send 'em an email: programs@7perth.com.au

UPDATE:

I just got this email back from Channel Seven in response to my complaint and it's not good news:

Dear Mr Cooke

Thank you for your email.

We appreciate the time you have taken to contact us, as it is only through viewers such as yourself that we can gauge reactions to our programming.

Unfortunately Boston Legal has not attracted enough viewers for it to remain in the 9.30pm timeslot.

Regards

Janine Vidot
Program Department
Channel Seven Perth

So, people... we have a problem. I forsee a day when television will be comprised entirely of reality TV shows and crime dramas... with a sprinkle of Desperate Housewives to keep the Sex in the City brigade happy.

Maybe instead of relying entirely on numbers, potential advertisers should crunch the demographics and target a specific market, ie, today we'll try and sell our product in to 1.5 million people with a brain as opposed to 7 million people who are still trying to work out if it's feasible to microwave your own hand.

FFS, if a great show like Boston Legal can't hold down a 9.30pm timeslot on a Monday night, the future of clever TV is doomed.

Perth as it used to be... and still is

Ahhh, the good old days - all this joint needs is a bit of lawn!

I reckon if this was the scene facing us today, the developers would be licking their lips and falling over themselves to prepare concepts for a waterfront tourism precinct.

Amazingly, apart from the mud flats making way for the lawn, things haven't changed that much. They've spruced Kings Park up a bit and knocked up a bridge to let West Coast supporters across to the other side of the river (bad move), but essentially us West Aussies continue the tradition of frocking up and heading to the big hill overlooking the city to check out the view.

They also had a lot less blue green algie back in the day and I hear you could net a bucket of king prawns the size of a truckie's forearm in a lazy half hour. These days you're more likely to bag the odd blind mullet, but there are still plenty of red herrings to keep things interesting.

Fantasy Island

While the conservative elements pour scorn on the development of the Perth waterfront, it would seem that the likes of Troy 'Sniffer' Buswell are prepared to consider the construction of a whacking great island off the coast at Rous Head in North Fremantle.

The $10 billion project which would bring a touch of Dubai to the West Coast has been snubbed outright by Carps, but some factions among the Libs reckon it's worth a look.

Now I know The Perth Files has been banging on of late about how Perth City needs to connect to the river, but I'm not suggesting that we uproot the CBD and plonk it down mid-stream! That stretch of coastline at North Freo has already undergone its fair share of jiggery-poke to meet the needs of the Port and residential development and any further incursion into the sea poses the risk of forever damaging some of our best metropolitan beaches.

Does anyone else remember that only a couple of years ago a trip to Leighton meant keeping an eye out for large chunks of concrete and limestone debris being hurled at you in the dumping shore break?

Yeah, well it's all good now, but start dicking about with the shape of the coastline once again and who knows what sort of shore we'll end up with... not that the cashed-up elite sipping G&Ts on their island decking hogging the views of Rottnest will give a toss.

I do believe the outcome we've seen in Mandurah is a case in point - very nice for those that do, but 'thanks for coming, but don't let the door at the fish 'n' chip shop hit you on the arse on your way home'.

First things first - let's get some sensible development happening on the Perth waterfront and then maybe we can take a look at Gilligan's Island. And it's worth remembering that our kids will be researching retirement village options long before the first concrete slab on a proposal like this is even poured.

The Lucky Shag...

I had an interesting chat over the weekend about all this waterfront development hoo-ha with a bloke from the UK who knows a thing or two about tourism and the creation of city entertainment precincts.

We first caught up some months ago, both stretched out on a large tract of grass in the midst of well heeled Claremont watching our kids play cricket.

When conversation on the subject of gout drew to its painful conclusion, we turned to another topic of much angst - how boring Perth is.

I asked him his views on our fair city, having lived much of his life in the throbbing metropolis of London, and his answer went something like this:

'The day after I arrived I wandered out of my hotel, across Langley Park and took a long walk along the river. And you know what I thought, why would anyone want to change this, it's spectacular!

"I did the same thing the next day and again, couldn't understand why they wanted to change the waterfront.

"The following day the excitement started to wane just a little. After a week I looked out of my hotel window and decided, bugger it, I'm bored shitless and I went in search of somewhere on the river where I could grab a coffee and some breakfast.

"That's what led me past the entirely uninspiring bell tower, onto the Barrack Street Jetty and into... no way, you're taking the pish... The Lucky Shag".

We both chuckled over this, checked to make sure our kids weren't hitting each other with cricket bats and then mused on what could be done. Before too long the Sunday morning gout was playing up again, the kids were pouring 'raw' Milo down their throats (sponsor) and it was time to fire up the people mover for the trip home.

We agreed to talk further over a few beers at Perth's premium waterfront entertainment spot, The Lucky Shag... who knows, we might just get lucky!

Dig up the lawn now!

I was sitting in the small room the other evening, perusing my local press, when a letter to the editor caught my eye headed up 'Disneyland effect not worthy of Perth'.

Hello, hello, I thought, here's another one of the 'get up early, go to bed early' brigade having a whinge about the proposed ferris wheel. And sure enough, that's exactly what Tony G of Mount Hawthorn targeted in his ill informed tirade.

Now, the idea of a ferris wheel on the Swan doesn't exactly light my candles, but then I don't think this whole issue is about a ferris wheel - it could be a giant model of a dog t@#d and it would still make the same point... the Perth foreshore is as boring as bat faeces and hardly anyone ever uses all that "beautiful, wide open space" as Tony writes.

This ferris wheel is all about plonking something large and distracting into an area that is grossly underutilised to make people sit up and think, 'crikey, maybe we could make better use of that space?'

You see, us Perthites suffer from a rare and degenerative condition know as 'Lawnis-idioticus'... in common terms, a desperate need to install large tracts of lawn at the front of our homes that run from the front door to the road and are rarely used except for parking purposes.

Take a run through leafy Floreat or Wembley one day and you'll get the picture. These days the disease is on the wane, but only because greedy developers are cramming as many dwellings as possible on what were once single home blocks.

But while new homes aren't infected with Lawn Fever, the minds of our good citizens still are and they will do all they can to protect these patches of turf that may as well be painted concrete for all the good they're worth - at least concrete doesn't suck up rain and groundwater at a rate that makes your eyes spin.

So what's this got to do with Perth City? Aha, you see just as our suburbs were infected with this disease, so was the city itself. Langley Park and all those other parks that stretch from the front door mats of our city buildings, right down to Riverside Drive and beyond, to meet the uninspiring concrete retainer wall at the Swan River, are our city's front lawn.

Sure, a few office workers wander down there to eat lunch... there's a few games of softball hosted over the weekend, but tell me, when was the last time you made use of the city's front lawn? Did you stand there half cut on Australia Day, draped in the Aussie flag, tapping your toes to 'You're the Voice' while you watched barges catch fire on the river?

Our city waterfront is a joke. Sure, as Tony writes 'we have one of the world's best views from Kings Park', but Tony, it's only a view - how long can you stand there looking at the Perth city skyline before you think, 'oh well, back to the suburbs, there's the lawn to be watered...'

I want a city that I can use. One that connects me to the river in a meaningful way. I would enjoy that view a damn site better if I was right next to it, enjoying a good meal or a few drinks with friends, excited about being in the city... not embarrassed about the fact that the only place we can go riverside is at the old Swan Brewery, or The Lucky Shag.

If Perth City was a meal dished up to Gordon Ramsay, his retort would no doubt be, "F*&@'s sake, what is this shit".

Tony, you ask 'Why is there this notion that Perth is not as good as other cities?' Well, that'd be because it's not. Take a stroll around Northbridge at 1.00am, or a leisurely jaunt along Murray Street one day. Better still, try St Georges Tce after close of business hours - see what I mean? No, it doesn't look as good as it does from Kings Park does it? BUT IT COULD!!!

Melbourne has a river that you can almost jump over and they do things better than us. In Brisbane it was only a few years ago that outside dining was considered a crime against God and yet they do it better than us.

So Tony, don't worry about the freakin ferris wheel, just try and consider that if we've got that much open space sitting around doing nothing, then maybe it's time we got a bit creative and dug up the front lawn once and for all.

Crap Elvis is on the road

Former 96fm funnyman, pommy geezer, ant impersonator and all round top bloke, Matt Hale, is on the road for a world tour in his latest guise, Crap Elvis.

Yes, not content to take on the world in a selection of long shorts and loud shirts, Matty instead opted for a crap $30 Elvis suit and hence, Crap Elvis was born.

I recall discussing the plan late last December over a number of drinks at the PPR Christmas Party, where oddly enough he was in civvies while I was doing my best Crap John Belushi, aka Jake from The Blues Brothers, impersonation.

Little did we both know that the concept would engulf the world media faster than a West Aussie bushfire, sparked largely by a 'Hunka, Hunka, Burning Toast'. Yes, while the US script writers have put away their pencil sharpeners, Matty is on fire, penning such greats as 'Be My Terrorist' - 'strap a bomb around my waist and put a bomb on it, oh let me be, your terrorist'.

The toast of the Parkes Elvis Festival in regional New South Wales, Crap Elvis has swept all before him in taking out awards for being the worst looking and worst sounding Elvis EVER.

In an exclusive interview with The Perth Files, Crap Elvis has confirmed that his crapness has exceeded even his wildest expectations. "I knew I was crap, but until you actually get up on stage and convince the crowd to start waving their toast in the air, you can't know just how utterly crap you can be - it comes from a place deep inside me," Crap explained.

Take heed world, Crap Elvis is coming your way and I for one can't wait to see the footage of our man in the cheap faux satin suit belting out a rousing rendition of 'Be My Terrorist' at the Alabama State Fair and White Supremacy Convention.

Pot calling the kettle a monkey?

Nah, calling a bloke a monkey isn't racist - what's wrong with Andrew Symonds, can't he take a joke? Instead he should have given Singh a friendly punch on the shoulder, called him a curry munching rag head, had a good laugh and trotted back to mid on and got on with it... crikey, sensitive or what!

But Brad Hogg, well... talk about stepping over the mark. Fancy calling someone a BASTARD! The ICC should suspend him immediately and put him through a three month anger management course - yep, I've always thought that affable sheep farmer with the overactive tongue approach was simply a front for a very angry, angry, spiteful man.

And Gilchrist! Oh yes, all well and good to spend most of his free weekends in Perth helping out at the local Auskick and Have a Go Cricket Clinics, then drop in for a visit to Ronald McDonald House where he's the Patron... but it's all a ruse! Underneath that good guy exterior is an evil genius plotting the downfall of subcontinent cricket with his evil primate mates Ponting and Symonds.

It's a disgrace I tells ya - sack 'em all!

What right does the ICC have to believe that Singh called Symonds a monkey? It's not as though he's done it before has he? Oh dear, he has?

Anil Kumble, what a vision of sportsmanship - how does the saying go? 'I'm pulling up my stumps and going home, screw you guys'. Good on him. Nothing like a good old whinge over a bowl of sour grapes when you lose a game of cricket I say.

And while you're at it, why not really spit the dummy and play tit-for-tat on abuse accusations - you reported our leading spin bowler, so we'll report yours... nah, nah, nah! But come on Kumble, 'bastard' is a term of abuse that's hardly likely to change the course of international relations, how about dragging out the 'C' word, or maybe you could say he called you a 'bitch' or 'ho' to make it a cross gender thing.

At the end of the day the most satisfying outcome is seeing the good people of India rightiously going about their business of burning effigies of black men (the other black men), most notably Symonds and Bucknor. Boy oh boy, and the t-shirts are a great touch - how imaginative and so subtle in their message - what a great time to be an Indian cricket supporter!

What the ICC has to recognise is that it isn't the world body in cricket - it's the Board of Control for Cricket in India. It's a cheek that the Indian side should even have to leave its own shores!

I for one will be wearing my best gorrilla suit to the WACA test and proudly putting my Bic lighter to the Australian flag - enough of all this monkey business and let's hear it for the Turbinator!

Sunday trading - grow up Perth!

Good lord, we have wall to wall Labor governments, we have daylight savings and at last someone looks like taking the Japanese to task over their obsession with ingesting blubber...

AND, the state government is pushing the Sunday trading bandwagon, that has until now been more of a Sunday trading shopping trolley, complete with dodgy wheels and a distinct lack of direction.

Now I've said it about 47 times and I'll say it again, wake up and smell the coffee Perth, Sunday trading is not going to be the next Y2K (gee, so nothing happened there either?); it is not going to raise Satan from his fiery lair to smote us in our sleep; it is NOT going to cause prices to rise!

Can we please shut up with the notion that Sunday is a family day, hence the shops should remain closed so we can all sit around the fondue set knitting scarves and playing UNO... eff off!!! With three kids, every day is a frigging family day for me, so why the hell can't I go and buy something on a Sunday? Would it be okay if I took the kids?

I do not enjoy the mad scramble to shop on a Saturday morning and as all parents will know, Thursday nights are a nightmare... Sunday is good. Hey, church opens on a Sunday, so what about Harvey Norman?

Okay, that last comment might be somewhat below the belt, but this town is exasperating and drives a man to the edge of reason... come on folks, embrace the change and the next person who says 'if it aint broke, don't fix it' cops it in the neck.

Movember update

Lordy, lordy, pants on fire - this is the day 13 mark and I am Mr Dodgy with his prickly slo-gro mo-fo mo... bro.

Movember - pledge your support!

During Movember (the month formerly known as November) men, young and old, across Australia will be cultivating some form of growth on their collective upper lips.

This year Cookster has signed up to become a Mo Bro to help change the state of men's health and to join the fight against male depression and prostate cancer.
Current statistics show that:

Depression affects 1 in 6 men...Most don't seek help. Untreated depression is a leading risk factor for suicide.

Last year in Australia 18,700 men were diagnosed with prostate cancer and more than 2,900 died of prostate cancer - equivalent to the number of women who die from breast cancer annually.

Men are far less healthy than women. The average life expectancy of males is 5 years less than females.

If you would like to sponsor my Mo can go to http://www.movember.com/au/donate enter my registration number which is 75928 and your credit card details. Or you can sponsor me by cheque made payable to the "Movember Foundation" clearly marking the donation as being for my Registration Number: 75928. Please mail cheques to: PO Box 292, Prahran VIC 3181. All donations over $2 are tax deductible.

The money raised by Movember is donated to the Prostate Cancer Foundation of Australia and beyondblue - the national depression initiative, which will use the funds to create awareness, fund research and increase support networks for those men who suffer from prostate cancer and male depression.

For those that have supported Movember in previous years you can be very proud of the impact it has had and can check out the detail at: Fundraising Outcomes.

More info is available at www.movember.com
GO THE MO!!!

Golf legends coming to Perth

Legends of international golf, including Ian Baker-Finch and Jan Stephenson, will gather in Perth for the Handa Australia Cup at Nedlands Golf Club on Saturday 27 and Sunday 28 October 2007.

The Handa Australia Cup is the world’s only golf tournament to feature male and female golfing legends playing alongside the next generation of golfing stars, including the leading junior boy and girl from each state. It is also the only competition where male and female golfers compete for the same trophy.

The competition was founded by Japanese businessman and philanthropist Haruhisa Handa, who is also the Honorary Patron of the International Blind Golf Association.

“The Handa Australia Cup is about joining the generations – bringing together rising stars and past champions in one unique tournament,” Dr Handa explained.

Competing in the Senior Female category will be legends such as Jan Stephenson, Jane Blalock, Alicia Dibos and Cindy Rarick. These legends will compete alongside some of the world’s greatest male golfing icons, including Ian Baker-Finch, Roger Davis, Wayne Grady and 2006 champion Garry Merrick.

The 2007 Handa Australia Cup marks the return of golfing great Ian Baker-Finch to professional tournament golf after a five year break. “We are very excited that Ian has chosen to play our tournament and it’s a real honour to have him in Perth for his professional return,” said Tournament Chairman Wayne Smith.

Now in its second year, the 36 hole event will be preceded by a Pro Am on Friday, 26 October and the Australian Blind Golf Championship – Australian Open tournament from Tuesday 23 to Thursday 25 October.

The purse for the senior men and women professionals will be AU$100,000. This is the second largest senior purse in Australia, surpassed only by the Handa Australian Senior Open Championship and the Legends Tour Open Championship to be played the following week at Concord Golf Club in Sydney.

Spectators for the Handa Australia Cup are welcome and entry is free. For further information contact Tournament Coordinator Gemma Liddelow at Vault Sports Management: gemma.liddelow@vaultsm.com or (08) 9228 0877.

What: Handa Australia Cup
Where: Nedlands Golf Club, Melvista Avenue, Nedlands
When: Saturday 27 and Sunday 28 October 2007 – daily tee off will commence at approximately 10.30am. The Pro-Am on Friday 26 October will have a shot gun start at 12.00pm.

Apologies...

I have been a very tardy correspondent of late and I blame Facecrack for this malaise... I've also been BUSY at my place of work and of late been as crook as a dog (love that saying!) with some kind of flu.

For now look me up at facebook, but I shall return to the blogosphere soon...

A letter to John Howard

Dear Mr Howard

I know things are tough for you at the moment. It can't be much fun having that fishnet tight wearing, woolly haired chap constantly knocking on your door and then running away giggling when you open it - beware if you find a piece of flaming toilet paper on the mat, I wouldn't put it past that rosy cheeked buffoon to give that prank an outing.

And of course there's that fellow they call 'Dog' slobbering down your well starched collar, breathing his meaty breath and always whining about not getting the most comfy chair in the house.

Dreadful stuff for a man of your imposing stature to have to endure and you can bet there will be no apologies when the fat's in the fire and that platinum haired doyen of the strip circuit is firmly ensconced in the Lodge purveying his latest collection of Fyshwick-sourced jazz magazines.

But John, if I may call you that, I digress here. What I really wanted to ask you is a very simple question - where exactly is the BOOM you talk about? You know, the one that has given us untold riches and made life under your government such a joy for the past decade.

Call me stupid, but I can't seem to find this boom anywhere. I went to my real estate agent to see if it was there, but they just told me to wake up to myself and forget about buying a house unless I wanted a one room shed on the outskirts of Goomalling. Then they increased my rent by $100 a week, shoved me through the exit and told me to make sure the door didn't hit me on the arse on the way out.

John, I'm now paying 45% more in rental costs than I was 18 months ago. Is that the boom?

John, my wage has increased by around 5%, is that all part of your plan too?

So I rubbed my tender backside, picked myself up off the footpath and went down to the local supermarket to put a lay-by on half a kilo of bananas. Then I looked around and marvelled at just how expensive everything had become. For the most part of your reign John I had lived in Melbourne, but now I'm back in the boomingest town of them all and accordingly, prices have boomed as well! Unfortunately I don't have any claims on rich iron ore deposits or deep wells of natural gas, but jolly good show for those people who do.

Even a bag of ice is more expensive in Perth... dear, I've made a pun in poor taste. Oh well, such is life.

So moving on, I headed for home stopping by the petrol station on the way where prices are at least 30 cents a litre more expensive that three years ago and called in to pick up a pizza that would have cost me half the price in 2001.

At home the letterbox was cheerfully chockers with bills, including my private health insurance which has risen well beyond the much touted 30% rebate you introduced some years ago John. Indeed, exponentially the cost of running a household really has boomed over the past decade.

So, dear John, I know you have a lot on your parliamentary plate right now, but if you could see your way clear to point a bit of this boom in my direction, It'd be much appreciated. Even if you could help me pay off the lay-by on the nannas and hurry up with that baby bonus cheque, it would certainly help.

Thanks John and good luck with the election. If I was you I'd be pocketing a bit of boom and heading down to your local strip club to slide a few rock lobsters into willing g-strings - just don't take Lexie, he'll want to join in.

Best regards
John

Walk on the wild side...

Apologies to Lou Reed...

Benny came from Perth, m.d.m.a
Went to rehab in the u.s.a.
Plucked his eyebrows on the way
Shaved his chest and then he was released
He says, hey babe, I run away from the booze guys
Said, hey man, run away from the booze guys

Danny came from out in Girawheen
In the backroom he was everybody's dream
But he always lost his head
A taxi driver's blood was shed
He says, hey babe, get me off this assault charge
Said, hey babe, get me off this assault charge
And the toasters go Boo, boo, boo, etc

Little Chick never once gave it away
All the umps were happy to pay and pay
A hustle here and a finger there
The Seven Seas is the place where they said
Hey babe, you're a bit on the fried side
I said hey Chicky, you're a bit on the fried side

Sugar plum Joshy came and hit some beaks
Lookin for bird flesh and a face to beat
Went to the Cuzzy bro
You should have seen him go go go
They said, hey Benny, take a look at a real side
I said, hey Cuzzy, take a look at a real side
All right, huh

Blackie is just speeding away
Thought he was james dean on the day
Then he had to crash the pack
Danny's prescription would have helped that whack
He said, hey Danny, watch out for your blind side
I said, hey honey, watch out for your blind side
And the e-girls say....

Fremantle's new Premier coaching panel

Word on the street is that Victorian Premier Steve Bracks and his Deputy John Thwaites have stepped down from the top job to form the nucleus of a new 'uber-coaching panel' at Fremantle.The pair are said to be loading the station wagon for the trip across the Nullarbor as we speak, with Thwaitsy just securing the last of the occy straps around the surf ski.

Sources report that a third party will be travelling with the Premiership pair, a bloke named Kevin who reportedly spent much of this morning purchasing supplies from Liquorland Moonee Ponds.

In a statement released today, Mr Bracks said:

"We've always loved a bit of a surf and a paddle and quite frankly Perth beaches shit all over that effluent riddled pond we call Port Phillip Bay. Besides, Harty has promised us a top deal on all our new whitegoods and 50 per cent off all electrical products.

"We also see some synergy between the role we played in Victoria and the future of the Fremantle Football Club. If you imagine West Coast as the smug, arrogant, self assured Kennett government, we're that other mob that sneaks up behind and kicks their arses all the way to footballing obscurity."

Who is Ken Thomas

Hi folks

Apologies for my lack of correspondence and I hope I still have some return visitors who haven't been put off by re-reading my footy tipping from some weeks ago.

One of the main reasons I've been slack is that I've been helping a mate move his gear into a new beachside pad in Noosa. He retired a few weeks back and what with his salsa dancing, topiary and tai chi, he hasn't had time to blink.

Anyway, Ken is now safely ensconsed and enjoying a lifestyle replete with cable knit sweaters, white linen slacks and long walks on the beach. He is even considering growing a mo.

More about Ken Thomas, the man, the legend, here

Round 11 AFL tipping guide

Bombers v Meth abusers: Phone Dome
The Weagles should win this, especially if their interstate connections come through with the good stuff before half time, but expect 'high shorts' Lloyd to have an inspired night out and Hirdy to walk on water to bring them home. In other words, I hope the Dons win cause I hate the yellow and blue pricks!
Look out for: Taxi drivers removing their arials.
Result: Eagles to score heavily, but Bombers to win by 9 points.

Hawks v Sidderknee: MCG
The Hawks have been playing like they've been into the West Coast medicine cabinet, but all good things must come to an end and I predict our feathered friends will once again start handballing themselves out of the game.
Look out for: The freakish 'I'm your Buddy' Franklin.
Result: A desperate Sidders by 13 points.

Lions v The Doggies: Gabba Dabba Doo
Fucked if I know what the Lions are doing from one game to the next and a draw against the Tiges isn't worth writing home to your Momma about. But Leigh Matthews is a dirty bastard and he also likes palm trees, sand and particularly loud Hawain shirts (yeah, never could spell it right). Despite the return of Aker to his home town and the Dog's good form, Leigh won't drop this one.
Look out for: Browny to pull Aker's jocks out through his throat.
Result: Lions by 3 points.

Caaaarlton v Port Boganland: Phone Dome
Couldn't give a fuck quite frankly, but I'd like to see Fevola and Chad Kornes knock each other out in a clash of large heads. And die.
Look out for: The bar.
Result: The Blues by 11 points.

Crows v the Cats: Adelaide
Those pussies are all juiced up and travelling nicely, led by the stinky blood nut Ling who sticks to his opponents like love juice to a blanket. But a bit like the Hawks, time is nigh for this outfit of pretenders to implode and limp sadly to another season of obscurity. Besides, if the Crows lose at home in front of a crowd sporting haircuts that make Fat Tony's wig look positively glam, then no one is getting out of there alive.
Look out for: Piggy Ling's sexy ginger freckle bursting out of his white shorts.
Result: Crows by 13 points.

Saints v Roos: Phone Dome
All I want to see out of this game is the big 'G' train, 'Gold' - as in neck-less - do his nut and start pulling some hair. Expect Kosi to cop another concussion. Ree-volt to cement his place as Mr Albino 2007 and the Roos to come home in a game that will have all the highlights of a Paris in Jail documentary.
Look out for: The salt and pepper squid in the snack bar on level 4.
Result: Ummmm, Roos by 9 points.

The Mighty Dockers v the toothless Tiges: Subiaco
If by game's end big 211cm Aaron Sandilands isn't hunkered down in the centre square at Subiaco roasting the flesh of tiger carcasses over a Samoan barbecue pit, then it really is all over for the Dockers. Big Pav has been practicing his kicking all week and Taz has finally washed off the acrid stench of the Collingwood faithful after last week's debacle, now it's time to have some fun - just don't stray too close to Sandi's mouth!
Look out for: The angry giant wearing purple - you might get trod on.
Result: Freo by 54 points.

Demons v Collingwood: MCG
Well, the young Dees put on a splendid show last week in notching up their first win of the season, however, quite frankly we don't give a flying fuck. The high country has a glorious dusting of snow, the Rangie is chockers with Chardy and the ski season is about to kick off what ho! So it's toodles for Melbourne and time for Darth Vadar Malthouse to once again whip out his light sabre and give them a jolly good thrashing.
Look out for: Lots of tweed disappearing through the turnstiles at half time.
Result: Collingwood by 23 points.

Farmer incident - take note West Coast

A number of people have asked me why I haven't posted anything about the Jeff Farmer incident from last weekend where he is alleged to have punched a nightclub bouncer in the face. There have been suggestions that I may have turned the other cheek on this one due to my passion for the Fremantle Football Club.

Well, to set the record straight, my lack of correspondence is simply due to the fact that I have bigger fish to fry right now. Indeed, my third child is due to arrive into this world on Wednesday and preparing for his early arrival has taken up a fair bit of time... blogging is a long way down this list right now.

But to set the record straight, I believe that the Fremantle Football Club's actions in suspending Farmer until round 13 was the correct decision. Unlike that other mob up the road, the club imposed its penalty swiftly and without excuse, ultimately to the detriment of season 2007, but for the benefit of the club's long-term morale and integrity.

While the West Coast rots from the head down in a mire of excuse ridden denials and arrogance in its 'win at all cost' approach to the game, Fremantle has shown itself to be a strong, decisive club that isn't prepared to let its players ride rough shod over the team as a whole.

Farmer was told not to go to that club and he broke the rules, regardless of what transpires in court today. Worsfold, Gooding and Nisbett could learn a lesson in discipline and people management from this episode.

Selwood slut jibe costs Des six

I've seen it all now in the West Coast shame file.

First we had Michael 'Charlie' Gardiner... enough said.

Then came a bare chested Benny Cousins running away from his abandoned vehicle, falling asleep legless in a Melbourne street, then inevitably packing his bags for an Arizona rehab clinic - paid for by the West Coast Eagles Football Club.

Not to be outdone, enter Daniel Kerr as he tried to spear a cab driver with his own car arial after snapping it off in some kind of monkey-boy hallucinogenic rage. Then two weeks later he's revealed on tape as having purchased Special K from a drug dealer with a penchant for full forward's gloves. Assault charges in 2006, two.

Don't forget Flatline Fletcher's near death experience in the US! One too many middies of VB we're led to believe...

And taking the spotlight off that nasty drug situation onto more salubrious issues, we have Adam Selwood allegedly telling Fremantle player Des Headland that his daughter - SIX YEAR OLD DAUGHTER - is a slut.

Like any good father would, Des allegedly took a swing at Selwood and threatened to kill him if he ever said it again. That alleged strike - which umpires now contest happened twice - looks set to put Des out of the game for up to six weeks.

To rub salt into what is developing into a horrible festering wound, Des also got fined $800 for wrestling Selwood. Apparently Selwood just lay there and let himself be wrestled because he hasn't been fined at all.

I hear that Fremantle will contest the charge and it would appear that Des is intent on telling the world exactly what Selwood said that made him want to cave his skull in. I say the club should back him all the way and if his charges aren't reduced significantly, or dropped altogether, further action should be taken.

Quite frankly, while I have no qualms about a good sledge, to tell a father that his six-year-old girl is engaged in frequent sexual acts is a disgrace - far worse that punching a player in the testicles, but there's another low act that Danny Kerr can tell you all about.

If what Selwood reportedly said is indeed the case, he should be disgusted with himself. But then again, it was probably a club tactic all along and he and his teammates are no doubt chuckling about the result right now nad wishing themselves a "fucking good season".

I heart the Pixies

Now, where were we? The Pixies - STILL the greatest alternative rock band in the world and they proved it last Thursday at Blackjack 2007.

The last time I saw them was in 1989 and the crowd was simply going ballistic. This time around it was like gathering at a reunion - or going to church - to spend just over an hour as witness to something that is so good it's almost dangerous.

Excuse the puns, but there is no doubt that some kind of weird 'Black' Francis magic was involved in this tour - a Deal with the devil himself - reincarnating a maniacal shaven headed Francis and Santiago, an ageing magician on the skins and the bad-grandma of rock Kim Deal a smoking incindiary on the bass.

There was plenty of jumping, screaming and cackling from the crowd, but the big difference between this gig and the last one 18 years ago was that almost everyone was singing along with the lyrics - a group prayer, one last chance to dip our collective toes into the maelstrom of demonic, fret bending, screeching, eyeball gouging madness that changed the way we thought about music forever.

And despite the sheer joy of watching it all unfold, for me there was an underlying sadness - like bringing a favourite relative out from cryogenic suspension for one last party that you know is going to end all too soon and is unlikely to ever happen again.

Watching Kim Deal mouthing the lyrics, 'I.... Love... You', you just knew it was a heartfelt thank you and farewell - and the love flowed back onto that poorly lit stage in the Claremont showgrounds in abundance.

Away with The Pixies

I think it's fitting that my 101st post be a topic of some significance - a milestone to remember and one that will be hard to forget for this self confessed Pixies groupie.

Yes indeedy, the greatest alternative rock 'n' roll band in world history will be traversing the Nullarbor this week to appear as the headline act at Blackjack 2007.

They'll be playing alongside Eskimo Joe, the Living End and Gnarls Barkley, which is akin to The Beatles being supported by Danni Minogue and Delta Goodrem... no, I take that back... I have a healthy dose of respeck for the support bands, particularly if Jarvis Cocker makes his rumoured appearance, but hell, the Pixies are rock 'n' roll royalty.

Quite frankly, I'd sit through a five hour Boys II Men gig if it meant getting a dose of Joey Santiago's demonic geetar magic ripping riffs through my synapses, coupled with a bit of 'I'm fucking with your mind' Frank Black falsetto for good measure.

Oh yeah Kim, you and the boys are the real Deal and I am looking forward to seeing you again for the first time since 1989 more than a Fremantle Premiership... well, possibly on a par with that Premiership.

It may seem as though I need a good slap, or a glass of water in the face, but for those of us who experienced the Pixies back in the 80s, when psychedelia aka The Stone Roses, the Happy Mondays, etc, etc, was at the cutting edge, you'll know what I mean here. The Pixies were a revolution that swept all before them in a grinding, teeth gnashing, eyeball gouging musical tsunami that changed the way some of us listened to music forever.

That night some 18 years ago when I stood pint in hand at the Studio in Bristol I witnessed something that can only be described as sheer alchemy. Even the upstairs floor that I was standing on was possessed to the point that even if you stood still you couldn't help but be bounced two feet into the air.

This time around I've got a VIP back stage pass and there is a very real chance that I'll be introduced to the band. I've rehearsed a number of lines as to what I might say at that moment - 'you guys rock', 'I've got all your albums', etc, etc, but at the end of that day I just want to tell them, 'thanks for coming and for making this 39 year old very, very happy'.

Vale Billy Thorpe

I was never a huge fan of Billy Thorpe until I read his two rollicking autobiographies 'Sex and Thugs and Rock 'n' Roll' and 'Most People I Know'. This man knew how to party with the best of them and his life was certainly well lived.

Such an enormous shame to see this huge talent, this massive personality simply taken away in an instant, but looking back on his past, I think Billy'd be the first to say that he'd ridden his luck like a wild stallion and sooner or later the ride was going to come to an end.

Take for instance the time that he overdosed on cocaine in New York and ended up dying on the operating table twice before being stabilised and sent to a ward in the infamous Bellevue Mental Hospital for the criminally insane.

He spent days lying opposite two Mexican psychopaths who he dubbed the Morpheeno Brothers due to their constant cries of 'morpheeno! morpheeno!' during their waking hours. Billy himself couldn't escape the needle, with his nurse 'Big Bertha' jabbing him up on a regular basis.

Another great story involved a road trip to the outback with The Aztecs where they played in a shearing shed that had to be mucked out before they could set up the equipment. In the middle of the set the power went off and dozens of red neck farm boys descended on the crowd and beat the living suitcase out of everyone, including the band. After all was said and done the good ol boys ambushed them again after the gig and chased them all the way back to the hotel, shooting at them as they went.

Lobby Lloyd missed being shot in the head by half an inch thanks to some very good luck.

And of course there was the time that Billy ingested a particularly potent tab of acid at the Sunbury Festival and walked right off the edge of what was a very high stage.

Yep, he rode his luck and made the most of his 60 years, even if at times he was a little hazy and most certainly quite crazy.

The Eagles really do suck!

Excuses, excuses - 'half our team isn't playing', 'it's only the NAB Cup', 'we won the Premiership', 'we don't care'... sooky la la, weak, warblings from that blue and yellow rabble from the West Coast Eagles.

Yes, that's right. You may have won the Premiership, but you haven't beaten the mighty Fremantle Dockers in the last five encounters and don't look likely to step up in the next 50.

Sure, half your team wasn't there - three players - but hearing about the state of young Danny 'are you lookin at me' Kerr on Saturday night, do you really think he would have been in a fit state to run around Subi Oval in that heat? What was he gonna do, whip the Docker's butts with his recently procured taxi arial?

What a game! Great on field action, but in the stands was where all the entertainment was to be found. I've never seen so much fake blonde hair, tight short-shorts and augmented boozies - and that was just the male Eagles supporters! The chardy-sipping Eagle stereotype was everywhere last night and in particular behind the wheel of their ridiculous SUV slash 4X4s as they clogged Subi's streets on the way back home to Nedlands, City Beach, Claremont etc.

Ahh, nothing quite so much fun as goading a wounded Eagle, but no doubt at all that they'll be all 'pepped up' and ready for another sniff when the season proper begins. I can't wait.

Goodbye cricket, hello God's game

Thank Christ the cricket season's over and we can focus our attention on the AFL once again. Not that I don't like cricket no, I love it, but to be beaten by those bland, jandle wearing, sheep shagging Kiwis is the ultimate insult - especially on the back of a loss to the Poms.

I've met some very nice Kiwis in my time, but really, the vast majority of this mob have a huge 'chup' on their shoulders and seem to live their lives plotting the downfall of Australian civilization as we know it. Despite this fact, I'd happily swap PMs any day - our flacid little man Johnny for your butchy, man-talking Helen.

Look, I know it's all sour grapes, but what got me really ticked off about this cricket thing was hearing some halfwit nonce in the ABC radio box in Nu Zuland going off his tiny little head towards the end of the last game.

One of the Kiwis was run out, so Mr Impartial Commentator can be clearly heard shouting, 'Not out, thet ez not out!' Of course, he was out, so next thing you hear is a giant thump on the sound board and a resounding 'fuck!' Lovely language for our Aunty listeners.

At the end of the game we were treated with 'yee-ha' and 'you bloody beauty'. And not only that, the effects microphone was picking up some other 'bleck kep' tard in the stands shouting out, 'fuck off Aussies, you're the buggest losers'.

So, you can take your Craig MucMullens and shove him up a sheep's beckside.

Now it's time to focus on THE great game and the might and power of the purple clad Fremantle Dockers as they give the West Coast a right old plucking in the NAB Cup. If we lose, I'll blame it on the Kiwis.

Donnie Davies update - who is Todd Quillen?

Well, it's taken a couple of weeks, but I finally got a response to my email to Mr Donnie 'God Hates Fags' Davies.

However, the response and accompanying You Tube message is not from Donnie, but from the affable Todd Quillen... It's all been a clever ruse. Click on the link below.

Donnie Davies...
Standard HeaderHide Pane
Todd Quillen
AddSaturday, 10 February, 2007 6:31:19 AM

Hi, I'm Todd Quillen. I'm notDonnie Davies.
Here is something I have to say....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzGigt1YJ3A
Thanks for the ride!
Todd Quillenwww.toddquillen.com

What's in a word you ask?

A disturbing trend has emerged in the key words that are directing people to The Perth Files... featuring high on the list are Ben Cousins, local underworld figures, sharks and whale spew.

What's pleasing is the association between 'West Coast' and 'Suck' - three words that should always go together and in this order whenever Fremantle's poor chardonnay supping cousins are made mention of.

Also pleasing that words like bestiality and fetishist aren't up there, but now that I've included them in this post, maybe they will? Woops, better chuck in a serving of christianity, Jesus, happiness, sweetness and light.

Also better steer clear of words like muslim, terrorism and 9/11 lest people get the wrong idea and I definitely do not want to see any traffic being directed here that should be going direct to the Australian Liberal Party.

Here are the top key words for this month:

perth, eagles, daylight, suck, west, coast, savings, mercanti, troy, cousins, ben, mcdonalds, australia, shark, dockerland, john, mokbel, saving, day, files, tony, fremantle, sightings, light, water, pasta, booze, melbourne, song, wally, foreman, sighting, zoo, whale, hours, western, bus, howard, vote, bore, dockers, food, spew, kizon, bush, does, blog

God hates fags & so does Donnie

Only in America... whether this is a piss take or a true piece of US-based fundamentalist insanity is hard to work out. But there is no doubt that however you look at it, the new single by 'Love God's Way' titled 'The Bible Says' is pushing the envelope.

It features a catchy chorus with the line, 'God hates fags'.

http://www.eveningservice.com/Video

Quite possibly the finest moment in that clip is when he belts out the line 'God hates fags', then he does a little aside to the camera and with a big shit eatin' grin says, 'and if you're a fag, he hates you too...' Cheerful little chap isn't he?

The bizarre thing is that it seems the clip is all about a bunch of gay guys who are praying together to resist the temptation to follow their natural sexual urges. However, while not being qualified as a spokesperson for the gay community, I can't imagine anyone wanting to get within three mid-western country miles of his back door.

So anyways, I decided I'd send the singer Donnie Davies a little email seeking his divine assistance - can't wait for the response!

Dear Donnie

It was by chance that a colleague of mine emailed me your wonderful song 'God Hates Fags' and led me to your website.

I've got to ask, is that you singing? Has anyone ever mentioned that you look a lot like a young Bruce Springsteen mixed with a bit of Billy Joel? Of course they didn't have the moustache, but I think it gives you a much stronger, more masculine look. Bruce and Billy certainly never entertained gentlemen friends, that's for sure!

But Donnie - and that's a lovely name by the way - I do have a problem. When I watched that video and you turned to the camera and said, '...and if you're a fag, God hates you too', I knew you were talking to me. I just knew it. I cried and cried till there weren't no more tears left to cry. I had to lock myself in the office toilet for an hour blowing my nose in a roll of toilet tissue.

You see, I now have unnatural thoughts about having man love with you. I actually WANT your sex even though you hate me. I have in the past had relationships with other men and yes, I have tasted the demon seed, but that was a long time ago. My back door was firmly closed to the male member the moment I embraced christianity.

But then I see you in that clip and thoughts of undressing you, running my fingers through your hairy chest and feeling your moustache carresing my bare nipples have entirely consumed me. I'm sorry for being so graphic, but it's all I can think about. You are sooo SEXY.

I know that just like God does, you must hate me, but I can't help it. Donnie, please help me to reject these wicked thoughts and to embrace Jesus as my personal saviour.

Until then I will be tormented with thoughts of what you must look like in tight swimming trunks and lycra bike pants. Please help me, don't hate me.

Check out Donnie's personal website:

http://www.washblade.com/thelatest/thelatest.cfm?blog_id=11067

I'm Dubbya & I'm an idiot...

George W Bush is an absolute tool, but rather than piss about stating the bleeding obvious, check out these great Bushisms from 2006 - I'm sure 2007 will be just as bountiful:

"The best way to defeat the totalitarian of hate is with an ideology
of hope -- an ideology of hate - excuse me - with an ideology of
hope." - Fort Benning, Ga., Jan. 11, 2007

"Because of your work, children who once wanted to die are now
preparing to live." - speaking at the White House summit on malaria,
Dec. 14

"This morning my administration released the budget numbers for
fiscal 2006. These budget numbers are not just estimates; these are
the actual results for the fiscal year that ended February the
30th."- referring to the fiscal year that ended on Sept. 30,
Washington, D.C., Oct. 11,

"You're one of the outstanding leaders in a very important part of
the world. I want to thank you for strategizing our discussions."
Meeting with the prime minister of Malaysia, New York, Sept. 18

"You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to
the war on terror." - Interview with CBS News, Washington D.C.,
Sept. 6

"I think-tide turning-see, as I remember-I was raised in the desert,
but tides kind of-it's easy to see a tide turn-did I say those
words?" -Washington, D.C., June 14

"I was not pleased that Hamas has refused to announce its desire to
destroy Israel." - Washington, D.C., May 4

"You never know what your history is going to be like until long
after you're gone." - Washington, D.C., May 5

"That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The
interesting thing about him is that I read three-three or four books
about him last year. Isn't that interesting?" - Showing German
newspaper reporter Kai Diekmann the Oval Office, Washington, D.C.,
May 5

"I aim to be a competitive nation."-San Jose, Calif., April 21

"No question that the enemy has tried to spread sectarian violence.
They use violence as a tool to do that." - Washington, D.C., March 22

"I'll be glad to talk about ranching, but I haven't seen the movie.
I've heard about it. I hope you go-you know-I hope you go back to
the ranch and the farm is what I'm about to say." - Explaining that
he hasn't yet seen Brokeback Mountain, Manhattan, Kan., Jan. 23

"You took an oath to defend our flag and our freedom, and you kept
that oath underseas and under fire." - Addressing war veterans,
Washington, D.C., Jan. 10

The perils of Internet porn

Just thought I'd share a workplace experience from a few years back...

I was doing a media ring-a-round one day and logged on to Lawsy's website (address courtesy of Margaret Gees) to find his producers' contact details and was amazed to see the screen downloading a lurid pink background.

Then a banner came up with, 'I like 'em young and fresh', followed by images of, well, supposedly young and fresh 'Nasty Teens'.

Being in a shared office, I quickly pissed that screen off and shut down the Internet, then turned around to greet my boss (female) who had just walked into the room.

After providing her with a five minute update on my day's activities, I turned around and was aghast to see the 'Knocked up Black Chicks' web page large as life on my screen. It took me about five minutes before I was able to escape the hundreds of porn applets that had invaded my system.

I then had to explain to my boss what had happened as she was in the midst of emailing me a 'please explain'.

After all the excitement I phoned a friend at mX and told her about Lawsy's filth and the shit storm of hard core porn I'd just had to fight my way through. It turned out that hackers had got into his site - couldn't happen to a nicer bloke - and ran as that day's front page, including my colourful quotes.

Next day at work a 'Gold Edition' Hustler Magazine arrived in the mail addressed to me and was promptly opened by the boss. She retrieved the 'please explain' email from her drafts and got back to work.

PS - the mag contained a story about an erotica exhibition at Metro 5 Gallery who I did PR work for, so I survived again...

Where the bloody hell are we?

Would the last person to leave Perth please turn off the lights... oh, they were never on.

I can't believe it. Just when we were acting all grown up, suddenly the blinkers are back on and we're all huddled around the wireless counting our ration coupons again.

Yes indeed, the prospect of Sunday trading has been dealt a lethal blow. Perth, 2 hours and 25 years behind the rest of Australia - the only city where you can't go shopping on a Sunday if that's what you choose to do.

Go on, let's go the whole hog - bring back roster petrol stations, stamp out those pesky supermarkets that dare to stay open beyond 5.30pm, make bottle shops illegal so that we have to run grog in from illicit stills hidden deep in the hills and - most importantly - repeal the daylight savings legislation immediately.

In fact, I say we not only abolish daylight savings, but we go one step further and put the clocks forward by an extra hour! What better than a city that slips under the cover of darkness at 5.30pm and wakes to a new day at 4.00am. We'll be able to water the lawns for hours, take our dogs out to shit in other people's front yards, put in the hard yards on talk back radio, water some more, have dinner at 4.30pm and be tucked up in bed by 6.00pm - bliss!

What the friggen hell is wrong with the idea of deregulated trading hours? It means more work for more people and gives us all an opportunity to do our shopping outside of the restrictive hours that currently exist. My local IGA closes at 5.30pm every week day except Thursday and I am not one tiny bit interested in joining the crowds for 'late night' shopping, or for that matter the mad Saturday supermarket rush.

I think this whole issue has got more to do with the fact that we're so isolated from the rest of the country that we feel the need to be 'different' - it's the old chip on the shoulder syndrome. More of the old 'If it aint broke, don't fix it' mantra.

Perth is acting like a spoilt child stamping its feet, squeezing its eyes shut and screeching its lungs out to avoid the tide of change. NO, we don't need to be like everyone else, but resistance simply for the sake of being 'different' is infantile.

Now before you take me away and start beating me about the kidneys with old phone books, let me just state that I love WA and the lifestyle it offers. All I'm asking is that we start looking more to the future instead of fretting over maintaining the status quo all the time.

Anyway, got to sign off and get back to the lawns...

Bring on Sunday trading

We've done it Perth - we've lived with daylight savings for more than a month now and we're all still alive and kicking! The curtains are coping well, the kids are sleeping like a dream and even the cows have got themsleves sorted.

Granted, many of us have yet to adjust the reticulation timer and there is talk of the odd 'stiffy' making an unwelcome appearance on the morning bus, but even genitalia will get the hang of it eventually. Seriously, this issue was - ahem - raised (chortle...) on talk back radio.

Now we're all big grown ups who have graduated to the 21st Century, but it's not over yet. No siree, now it's time to go the next step... now, don't get too excited, but can we please say YES to extended trading hours. Face it, this is the only city in the western world where you can't go shopping on a Sunday and quite frankly it's an embarrasment.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm no shop-a-holic and I have no intention of trawling the corridors of Myers and DJs 24/7, but I'd like the right to carry out my humble retail excursions at a time that suits me.

For many people Monday to Saturday, 9.00am - 5.00pm with one late night opening is not a viable option. My local 'not so' SUPER market closes an hour before I finish work, so instead I have to travel to another suburb, or pay above the odds at the 'gourmet' grocery, if I want to pick something up on the way home.

Oh sure, there will be those of you out there saying 'enough is enough, why can't we save Sunday as a day of rest and keep the shops closed'. And you'd be the bunch who opposed petrol stations opening seven days a week - remember the frustration of the roster system?

Let's get with the program and clutch these changes to our collective bosoms and then set about even bigger changes like saving water... we live on a sand dune people! And our dams are below 20 per cent capacity. But hey, that's another blog for another time.

Merry Christmas

Well, it's almost Christmas day and our thoughts turn to ham, turkey, presents under a twinkling tree and... our old friend from South Park, Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo.

Ahhh, you just gotta love the idea of a faecal folk hero, the turd is the word, a poo for all people, an old school stool...

And so I wish you all a very merry Christmas and may your holidays be full of joy and solid movements.

Me? I plan to throw myself into the Indian Ocean, wallow about for a bit and spend the remainder of the time catching up on a few good books - probably on the throne in our small purpose built 'library'.

Hydeeeee-Ho people and a merrrrry Christmas to you all!

Victorian bushfires - my recollections of 1997

It's been tragic to hear about the bushfires raging across Victoria over the last couple of weeks, but heartening to know that no lives have been lost.

Back in January 1997 I was working on a paper out in Ferntree Gully, in the foothills of the Dandenong Ranges and remember very clearly the first signs of a fire that went on to claim three lives.

I had wandered out to the front of the building on Burwood Hwy and noticed smoke rising from very close to the summit of the Ranges, near the television towers. It was a hot and windy day of around 35 degrees and it had been preceeded by a whole string of hot weather, similar to the current situation across Victoria.

It was fascinating to watch as that fire quickly took hold, with flames clearly visible licking the crest of the mountain and sending eddies of smoke and flame high above the undergrowth. A wind change then sent it in off in another direction, with one fire fighter later commenting on how the fire front quite literally jumped over his head as it roared back over the crest of the hill.

While attention was focussed on that fire high in the hills, another blaze was supposedly deliberately lit at the base of the Ranges in a suburb called The Basin, near Upwey. That fire, which I spotted when it was still relatively small and close to the Highway, turned into a raging inferno that blackened the sky above the eastern suburbs - it looked for all the world like a volcano erupting.

It was this fire that climbed rapidly up the other side of the mountain and caught three residents of Seabreeze Avenue, Ferny Creek, completely by surprise. Reading transcripts from the coroners' report, it would seem that the couple and their neighbour were confused by the direction and speed of the second fire and by the time they realised the danger, it was too late to evacuate.

Watching this all transpire from the safety of Ferntree Gully made it seem like a special effects movie on a super large screen. I actually covered activities in the Dandenongs as part of my paper round and to watch this fire consume bushland that I had travelled through regularly and take the lives of people I may well have stood with in the same line at the supermarket, was a sobering experience.

In the days, weeks, months and even years after the fires, the scarred landscape never failed to jog my senses as I wound my way up the mountain.

Here's hoping that loss of life isn't repeated again this summer and that we here in Perth don't face similar threats as the temperature continues to rise.

Daylight savings - the whingers emerge...

Okay, I've noted a few people already starting to whinge about daylight savings - and I'm not just talking about your terminal cases like the woman who called 720 mornings to complain that DS means less time to look at her Christmas lights at night.

No, I'm talking about those who claim to have lived elsewhere and enjoyed DS, but who now live in WA and think an extra hour of daylight just isn't needed here.

Well, sorry folks, but that argument is a load of steaming old codswallop!

I'll admit that even a one hour change does take some adjustment - the kids do find it a bit harder to go to sleep, people forget to eat at the normal times and getting out of bed in the morning can be a tad more irksome. BUT, that all changes over a few weeks and you soon learn to adjust to the time cycle.

These days I'm waking to sunlight just before 6.00am rather than the ungodly hour of 4.45am and the kids are doing likewise. Even the raucous chorus of Magpies and Kookaburras in the adjacent golf course are keeping a lid on it until later.

And in the evenings it's getting dark at around about 8.30pm instead of 7.30pm which is well and truly on a par with the eastern states. I've said it once and I'll say it again - the sun has no right to be up poking its nose through my blinds at 4.45am and then buggering off before 7.00pm.

Those of you whingeing about DS should be concerned with other more pressing issues, like the people of Floreat who are intent on ridding Perth of its groundwater supplies by running sprinkler systems that would be more at home in the lobby of some Las Vegas water themed casino.

I've just moved into the neighbourhood and as a renter I'm obligated to do the bore water tango myself. The first time I turned on the retic I felt sure it was a spectacle you could see from space and that authorities would descend from Black Hawks, cuff me and drag me away to environmental vandal hell.

But it turns out that I'm not a drop in the aquifer in the scheme of things - I've seen one house cranking up industrial sized sprinklers every morning for the past week to water a front lawn that serves no purpose other than to look green. Even this morning in the pouring rain.

Groundwater is a finite option and the sooner water restrictions apply to all households, regardless of bores, the better.

Pom's Ashes campaign in tatters

Poor old Poms... just when they think they've got our measure, woops, there goes 9 wickets for 70 runs. Can this hapless lot string two innings together? Can they string together their own boot laces?

Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.

Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next
ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.

Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?
A. An allrounder.

Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint
Jones have over the rest of their team-mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English
batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?
A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English
team?
A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.

Ben Cousins legless

Oh Ben, you've done it again! Arrested at 4.30am wandering the banks of the Yarra, pissed as a newt, just a stone's throw from the Crown Casino.

According to police, Ben was "legless" when arrested and had no idea where he was - shades of the day Trent Croad was concussed at Subiaco Oval playing for the Hawks and then went looking for his car in the car park after the game. "Trent, you live in Glenferrie mate! You'll be needing an aeroplane!"

However, Trent's excuse was a knock to the noggin, whereas Ben's situation was self induced. Word is that he was keen to shed the shirt and take off ala the booze bus episode, but couldn't for the life of him find Canning Highway anywhere.

They say you shouldn't put temptation in the way of the easily tempted, but that's exactly what's happened here in a round-a-bout sorta way. Quite simply, it's not really Ben's fault. Here's why...

You see the club that Benny frequented on this night of the lost legs is owned by a bloke called Nick Russian. Nick's a model and he's also an ex-contestant on the rather salubrious reality TV show 'Temptation Island'. Now, Australia's an island, therefore Ben was led into temptation... see what I mean!

A rather stupid and fanciful excuse I'll be the first to admit, but no more so than his story last time around - 'I was busting for a wiss so I ran from the car and just kept on running'.

So we wait with baited breath to see what sort of excuse will be cranked out to once again save the hide of big, bad Benny. This time he's got no Gardiner to help deflect the blow torch, but I'll put $1,000 bucks on him trotting out for round 1 of season 2007, bright and shiny as a new teflon pan.

Daylight savings - welcome to a new dawn

It's finally happening. The powers that be have opened the door to a brave new world where we dare buggerise around with time and learn how to adjust our clocks to embrace daylight savings.

And it's about bloody time... I'm an absolute wreck from waking at the god-awful hour of 4.30am every morning as the sun peeks in and rudely slaps me from my slumber.

Unless there are cows for me to milk, or wheat for me to sow, this is not an hour that I feel requires my waking presence. As outlined in my previous post below, I refuse to join the 'start early, finish early' brigade.

Perth, It's just a matter of adjusting. We've been dealt a poor hand by Mother Nature when it comes to the cycle of daylight hours and this change is merely putting everything back in its natural order.

They say, 'if it aint broke, don't fix it', but I've got to tell you, it's well and truly broke - it needs a sharp hit with a blunt instrument and daylight savings is just the tool to put things right.

Look forward to seeing you all down the beach for fish and chips on the foreshore one night soon - no torch required!

Daylight savings - suck it and see

Western Australia is renowned as the start early, finish early, make sure I'm tucked up in bed by 9.30pm capital of the universe. It is for this reason that we have so many people staunchly opposed to daylight savings.

"I want to water my 12 acres of lawn at 4.00am and it's my God given right to do so! All you people who want to spend quality time with your children in the afternoon are simply being selfish..."

And so the argument goes. Another classic line is how difficult it is to get children to sleep while it's still light outside.

Well Perth, I've got news for you. After a decade in Melbourne I can assure you that even if we roll back the clocks by one hour, all you early birds will still have plenty of time to catch your worms, power walk a few Ks, scoff down a croissant and latte breakfast and still be at work early enough to be back out on the freeway heading for home at 4.30pm.

I say this with the knowledge that I've been awoken every morning for the past three weeks at approximately 4.20am, thinking some giant friggin space craft covered in halogen spotties has descended from above. Add to this the chorus of magpies and the sounds of all those vehicles inhabited by you early risers and it's IMPOSSIBLE to get back to sleep.

Just when you think sleep deprivation will kick in and and force you back into hallucinogenic slumber, the two year old in the next room decides that by the look of the blazing light coming in through the cracks in the blinds, it must be toast time.

I no longer crave daylight savings for its post-work pleasures, I now need it desperately to know that I can slumber in semi-darkness until at least 5.30am. And don't go banging on about changing work hours to suit the summer daylight hours - I don't want to change. I want to wake at 6.00am, start work at 8.30am, come home at 6.00pm and go to bed at roughly 11.00pm.

The daylight in Perth is broken... it's wrong and it must be amended accordingly. To prove my point you simply need to visit any suburban Chinese restaurant at 5.00pm - there are people already past the banana fritters getting ready for home. Not natural - Fat Cat hasn't even donned the jammies.

Beware people, especially the young. Failure to embrace daylight savings will result in further generations of up early, finish early, talk-back phoning, lawn watering, early eating dysfunctionals that really do believe their own hype.

Be very afraid...

Rest in peace Wally Foreman

So sad to know the journeyman of WA sporting commentary, Wally Foreman, passed away this week at the young age of just 58.

I've only ever called in to the Sports Talk program once and, spookily, that first time was on the Saturday afternoon before his fatal heart attack this week.

I was the last caller to the program and Wally thought I was Jim, so he's shouting 'hello Jim, are you there Jim?' and I'm shouting, 'Wally, it's John, are you after John?' Eventually he put me through, warned me to be quick as the news was nigh, and I asked my question of guest Jon Steffensen.

The fact that I - and I'm not 100 per cent sure on this - was the last caller on his final show dealt me quite a blow when I learned of his death.

And it is only now that I realise how important he is to the fabric of my media 'family' in WA. We grow comfortable with our preferred radio presenters - they go with us to and from work each day; they come shopping with us; they accompany us on road trips; drop the kids off at school; they're in the background as we snooze away lazy summer Sunday afternoons... and now one of our family is gone.

I'm certainly no fan of West Coast, but for the sake of King Wally I'm sincerely glad that he got to call his team in a winning Grand Final before he passed.

Rest peacefully Wally.