Dear Mr Howard
I know things are tough for you at the moment. It can't be much fun having that fishnet tight wearing, woolly haired chap constantly knocking on your door and then running away giggling when you open it - beware if you find a piece of flaming toilet paper on the mat, I wouldn't put it past that rosy cheeked buffoon to give that prank an outing.
And of course there's that fellow they call 'Dog' slobbering down your well starched collar, breathing his meaty breath and always whining about not getting the most comfy chair in the house.
Dreadful stuff for a man of your imposing stature to have to endure and you can bet there will be no apologies when the fat's in the fire and that platinum haired doyen of the strip circuit is firmly ensconced in the Lodge purveying his latest collection of Fyshwick-sourced jazz magazines.
But John, if I may call you that, I digress here. What I really wanted to ask you is a very simple question - where exactly is the BOOM you talk about? You know, the one that has given us untold riches and made life under your government such a joy for the past decade.
Call me stupid, but I can't seem to find this boom anywhere. I went to my real estate agent to see if it was there, but they just told me to wake up to myself and forget about buying a house unless I wanted a one room shed on the outskirts of Goomalling. Then they increased my rent by $100 a week, shoved me through the exit and told me to make sure the door didn't hit me on the arse on the way out.
John, I'm now paying 45% more in rental costs than I was 18 months ago. Is that the boom?
John, my wage has increased by around 5%, is that all part of your plan too?
So I rubbed my tender backside, picked myself up off the footpath and went down to the local supermarket to put a lay-by on half a kilo of bananas. Then I looked around and marvelled at just how expensive everything had become. For the most part of your reign John I had lived in Melbourne, but now I'm back in the boomingest town of them all and accordingly, prices have boomed as well! Unfortunately I don't have any claims on rich iron ore deposits or deep wells of natural gas, but jolly good show for those people who do.
Even a bag of ice is more expensive in Perth... dear, I've made a pun in poor taste. Oh well, such is life.
So moving on, I headed for home stopping by the petrol station on the way where prices are at least 30 cents a litre more expensive that three years ago and called in to pick up a pizza that would have cost me half the price in 2001.
At home the letterbox was cheerfully chockers with bills, including my private health insurance which has risen well beyond the much touted 30% rebate you introduced some years ago John. Indeed, exponentially the cost of running a household really has boomed over the past decade.
So, dear John, I know you have a lot on your parliamentary plate right now, but if you could see your way clear to point a bit of this boom in my direction, It'd be much appreciated. Even if you could help me pay off the lay-by on the nannas and hurry up with that baby bonus cheque, it would certainly help.
Thanks John and good luck with the election. If I was you I'd be pocketing a bit of boom and heading down to your local strip club to slide a few rock lobsters into willing g-strings - just don't take Lexie, he'll want to join in.