Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Vale Billy Thorpe

I was never a huge fan of Billy Thorpe until I read his two rollicking autobiographies 'Sex and Thugs and Rock 'n' Roll' and 'Most People I Know'. This man knew how to party with the best of them and his life was certainly well lived.

Such an enormous shame to see this huge talent, this massive personality simply taken away in an instant, but looking back on his past, I think Billy'd be the first to say that he'd ridden his luck like a wild stallion and sooner or later the ride was going to come to an end.

Take for instance the time that he overdosed on cocaine in New York and ended up dying on the operating table twice before being stabilised and sent to a ward in the infamous Bellevue Mental Hospital for the criminally insane.

He spent days lying opposite two Mexican psychopaths who he dubbed the Morpheeno Brothers due to their constant cries of 'morpheeno! morpheeno!' during their waking hours. Billy himself couldn't escape the needle, with his nurse 'Big Bertha' jabbing him up on a regular basis.

Another great story involved a road trip to the outback with The Aztecs where they played in a shearing shed that had to be mucked out before they could set up the equipment. In the middle of the set the power went off and dozens of red neck farm boys descended on the crowd and beat the living suitcase out of everyone, including the band. After all was said and done the good ol boys ambushed them again after the gig and chased them all the way back to the hotel, shooting at them as they went.

Lobby Lloyd missed being shot in the head by half an inch thanks to some very good luck.

And of course there was the time that Billy ingested a particularly potent tab of acid at the Sunbury Festival and walked right off the edge of what was a very high stage.

Yep, he rode his luck and made the most of his 60 years, even if at times he was a little hazy and most certainly quite crazy.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

The Eagles really do suck!

Excuses, excuses - 'half our team isn't playing', 'it's only the NAB Cup', 'we won the Premiership', 'we don't care'... sooky la la, weak, warblings from that blue and yellow rabble from the West Coast Eagles.

Yes, that's right. You may have won the Premiership, but you haven't beaten the mighty Fremantle Dockers in the last five encounters and don't look likely to step up in the next 50.

Sure, half your team wasn't there - three players - but hearing about the state of young Danny 'are you lookin at me' Kerr on Saturday night, do you really think he would have been in a fit state to run around Subi Oval in that heat? What was he gonna do, whip the Docker's butts with his recently procured taxi arial?

What a game! Great on field action, but in the stands was where all the entertainment was to be found. I've never seen so much fake blonde hair, tight short-shorts and augmented boozies - and that was just the male Eagles supporters! The chardy-sipping Eagle stereotype was everywhere last night and in particular behind the wheel of their ridiculous SUV slash 4X4s as they clogged Subi's streets on the way back home to Nedlands, City Beach, Claremont etc.

Ahh, nothing quite so much fun as goading a wounded Eagle, but no doubt at all that they'll be all 'pepped up' and ready for another sniff when the season proper begins. I can't wait.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Goodbye cricket, hello God's game

Thank Christ the cricket season's over and we can focus our attention on the AFL once again. Not that I don't like cricket no, I love it, but to be beaten by those bland, jandle wearing, sheep shagging Kiwis is the ultimate insult - especially on the back of a loss to the Poms.

I've met some very nice Kiwis in my time, but really, the vast majority of this mob have a huge 'chup' on their shoulders and seem to live their lives plotting the downfall of Australian civilization as we know it. Despite this fact, I'd happily swap PMs any day - our flacid little man Johnny for your butchy, man-talking Helen.

Look, I know it's all sour grapes, but what got me really ticked off about this cricket thing was hearing some halfwit nonce in the ABC radio box in Nu Zuland going off his tiny little head towards the end of the last game.

One of the Kiwis was run out, so Mr Impartial Commentator can be clearly heard shouting, 'Not out, thet ez not out!' Of course, he was out, so next thing you hear is a giant thump on the sound board and a resounding 'fuck!' Lovely language for our Aunty listeners.

At the end of the game we were treated with 'yee-ha' and 'you bloody beauty'. And not only that, the effects microphone was picking up some other 'bleck kep' tard in the stands shouting out, 'fuck off Aussies, you're the buggest losers'.

So, you can take your Craig MucMullens and shove him up a sheep's beckside.

Now it's time to focus on THE great game and the might and power of the purple clad Fremantle Dockers as they give the West Coast a right old plucking in the NAB Cup. If we lose, I'll blame it on the Kiwis.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Donnie Davies update - who is Todd Quillen?

Well, it's taken a couple of weeks, but I finally got a response to my email to Mr Donnie 'God Hates Fags' Davies.

However, the response and accompanying You Tube message is not from Donnie, but from the affable Todd Quillen... It's all been a clever ruse. Click on the link below.

Donnie Davies...
Standard HeaderHide Pane
Todd Quillen
AddSaturday, 10 February, 2007 6:31:19 AM

Hi, I'm Todd Quillen. I'm notDonnie Davies.
Here is something I have to say....
Thanks for the ride!

Sunday, February 04, 2007

What's in a word you ask?

A disturbing trend has emerged in the key words that are directing people to The Perth Files... featuring high on the list are Ben Cousins, local underworld figures, sharks and whale spew.

What's pleasing is the association between 'West Coast' and 'Suck' - three words that should always go together and in this order whenever Fremantle's poor chardonnay supping cousins are made mention of.

Also pleasing that words like bestiality and fetishist aren't up there, but now that I've included them in this post, maybe they will? Woops, better chuck in a serving of christianity, Jesus, happiness, sweetness and light.

Also better steer clear of words like muslim, terrorism and 9/11 lest people get the wrong idea and I definitely do not want to see any traffic being directed here that should be going direct to the Australian Liberal Party.

Here are the top key words for this month:

perth, eagles, daylight, suck, west, coast, savings, mercanti, troy, cousins, ben, mcdonalds, australia, shark, dockerland, john, mokbel, saving, day, files, tony, fremantle, sightings, light, water, pasta, booze, melbourne, song, wally, foreman, sighting, zoo, whale, hours, western, bus, howard, vote, bore, dockers, food, spew, kizon, bush, does, blog

Thursday, February 01, 2007

God hates fags & so does Donnie

Only in America... whether this is a piss take or a true piece of US-based fundamentalist insanity is hard to work out. But there is no doubt that however you look at it, the new single by 'Love God's Way' titled 'The Bible Says' is pushing the envelope.

It features a catchy chorus with the line, 'God hates fags'.

Quite possibly the finest moment in that clip is when he belts out the line 'God hates fags', then he does a little aside to the camera and with a big shit eatin' grin says, 'and if you're a fag, he hates you too...' Cheerful little chap isn't he?

The bizarre thing is that it seems the clip is all about a bunch of gay guys who are praying together to resist the temptation to follow their natural sexual urges. However, while not being qualified as a spokesperson for the gay community, I can't imagine anyone wanting to get within three mid-western country miles of his back door.

So anyways, I decided I'd send the singer Donnie Davies a little email seeking his divine assistance - can't wait for the response!

Dear Donnie

It was by chance that a colleague of mine emailed me your wonderful song 'God Hates Fags' and led me to your website.

I've got to ask, is that you singing? Has anyone ever mentioned that you look a lot like a young Bruce Springsteen mixed with a bit of Billy Joel? Of course they didn't have the moustache, but I think it gives you a much stronger, more masculine look. Bruce and Billy certainly never entertained gentlemen friends, that's for sure!

But Donnie - and that's a lovely name by the way - I do have a problem. When I watched that video and you turned to the camera and said, '...and if you're a fag, God hates you too', I knew you were talking to me. I just knew it. I cried and cried till there weren't no more tears left to cry. I had to lock myself in the office toilet for an hour blowing my nose in a roll of toilet tissue.

You see, I now have unnatural thoughts about having man love with you. I actually WANT your sex even though you hate me. I have in the past had relationships with other men and yes, I have tasted the demon seed, but that was a long time ago. My back door was firmly closed to the male member the moment I embraced christianity.

But then I see you in that clip and thoughts of undressing you, running my fingers through your hairy chest and feeling your moustache carresing my bare nipples have entirely consumed me. I'm sorry for being so graphic, but it's all I can think about. You are sooo SEXY.

I know that just like God does, you must hate me, but I can't help it. Donnie, please help me to reject these wicked thoughts and to embrace Jesus as my personal saviour.

Until then I will be tormented with thoughts of what you must look like in tight swimming trunks and lycra bike pants. Please help me, don't hate me.

Check out Donnie's personal website:

I'm Dubbya & I'm an idiot...

George W Bush is an absolute tool, but rather than piss about stating the bleeding obvious, check out these great Bushisms from 2006 - I'm sure 2007 will be just as bountiful:

"The best way to defeat the totalitarian of hate is with an ideology
of hope -- an ideology of hate - excuse me - with an ideology of
hope." - Fort Benning, Ga., Jan. 11, 2007

"Because of your work, children who once wanted to die are now
preparing to live." - speaking at the White House summit on malaria,
Dec. 14

"This morning my administration released the budget numbers for
fiscal 2006. These budget numbers are not just estimates; these are
the actual results for the fiscal year that ended February the
30th."- referring to the fiscal year that ended on Sept. 30,
Washington, D.C., Oct. 11,

"You're one of the outstanding leaders in a very important part of
the world. I want to thank you for strategizing our discussions."
Meeting with the prime minister of Malaysia, New York, Sept. 18

"You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to
the war on terror." - Interview with CBS News, Washington D.C.,
Sept. 6

"I think-tide turning-see, as I remember-I was raised in the desert,
but tides kind of-it's easy to see a tide turn-did I say those
words?" -Washington, D.C., June 14

"I was not pleased that Hamas has refused to announce its desire to
destroy Israel." - Washington, D.C., May 4

"You never know what your history is going to be like until long
after you're gone." - Washington, D.C., May 5

"That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The
interesting thing about him is that I read three-three or four books
about him last year. Isn't that interesting?" - Showing German
newspaper reporter Kai Diekmann the Oval Office, Washington, D.C.,
May 5

"I aim to be a competitive nation."-San Jose, Calif., April 21

"No question that the enemy has tried to spread sectarian violence.
They use violence as a tool to do that." - Washington, D.C., March 22

"I'll be glad to talk about ranching, but I haven't seen the movie.
I've heard about it. I hope you go-you know-I hope you go back to
the ranch and the farm is what I'm about to say." - Explaining that
he hasn't yet seen Brokeback Mountain, Manhattan, Kan., Jan. 23

"You took an oath to defend our flag and our freedom, and you kept
that oath underseas and under fire." - Addressing war veterans,
Washington, D.C., Jan. 10