Bombers v Meth abusers: Phone Dome
The Weagles should win this, especially if their interstate connections come through with the good stuff before half time, but expect 'high shorts' Lloyd to have an inspired night out and Hirdy to walk on water to bring them home. In other words, I hope the Dons win cause I hate the yellow and blue pricks!
Look out for: Taxi drivers removing their arials.
Result: Eagles to score heavily, but Bombers to win by 9 points.
Hawks v Sidderknee: MCG
The Hawks have been playing like they've been into the West Coast medicine cabinet, but all good things must come to an end and I predict our feathered friends will once again start handballing themselves out of the game.
Look out for: The freakish 'I'm your Buddy' Franklin.
Result: A desperate Sidders by 13 points.
Lions v The Doggies: Gabba Dabba Doo
Fucked if I know what the Lions are doing from one game to the next and a draw against the Tiges isn't worth writing home to your Momma about. But Leigh Matthews is a dirty bastard and he also likes palm trees, sand and particularly loud Hawain shirts (yeah, never could spell it right). Despite the return of Aker to his home town and the Dog's good form, Leigh won't drop this one.
Look out for: Browny to pull Aker's jocks out through his throat.
Result: Lions by 3 points.
Caaaarlton v Port Boganland: Phone Dome
Couldn't give a fuck quite frankly, but I'd like to see Fevola and Chad Kornes knock each other out in a clash of large heads. And die.
Look out for: The bar.
Result: The Blues by 11 points.
Crows v the Cats: Adelaide
Those pussies are all juiced up and travelling nicely, led by the stinky blood nut Ling who sticks to his opponents like love juice to a blanket. But a bit like the Hawks, time is nigh for this outfit of pretenders to implode and limp sadly to another season of obscurity. Besides, if the Crows lose at home in front of a crowd sporting haircuts that make Fat Tony's wig look positively glam, then no one is getting out of there alive.
Look out for: Piggy Ling's sexy ginger freckle bursting out of his white shorts.
Result: Crows by 13 points.
Saints v Roos: Phone Dome
All I want to see out of this game is the big 'G' train, 'Gold' - as in neck-less - do his nut and start pulling some hair. Expect Kosi to cop another concussion. Ree-volt to cement his place as Mr Albino 2007 and the Roos to come home in a game that will have all the highlights of a Paris in Jail documentary.
Look out for: The salt and pepper squid in the snack bar on level 4.
Result: Ummmm, Roos by 9 points.
The Mighty Dockers v the toothless Tiges: Subiaco
If by game's end big 211cm Aaron Sandilands isn't hunkered down in the centre square at Subiaco roasting the flesh of tiger carcasses over a Samoan barbecue pit, then it really is all over for the Dockers. Big Pav has been practicing his kicking all week and Taz has finally washed off the acrid stench of the Collingwood faithful after last week's debacle, now it's time to have some fun - just don't stray too close to Sandi's mouth!
Look out for: The angry giant wearing purple - you might get trod on.
Result: Freo by 54 points.
Demons v Collingwood: MCG
Well, the young Dees put on a splendid show last week in notching up their first win of the season, however, quite frankly we don't give a flying fuck. The high country has a glorious dusting of snow, the Rangie is chockers with Chardy and the ski season is about to kick off what ho! So it's toodles for Melbourne and time for Darth Vadar Malthouse to once again whip out his light sabre and give them a jolly good thrashing.
Look out for: Lots of tweed disappearing through the turnstiles at half time.
Result: Collingwood by 23 points.