Victoria burns...

It's tragic to hear the toll the bushfires are taking in Victoria right now, particularly given that I spent 11 years living and working as a journalist in various parts of Melbourne, including the Yarra Valley.

Indeed, my 'patch' of territory covered for the weekly Yarra Valley Post stretched from Yarra Glen, across to Healesville and then Yarra Junction. My very first day out was a trip to Mount Donna Buang to cover the season's first big snowfall - it was the first time I'd ever seen the stuff!

To now be watching this bushfire tragedy unfold from afar seems quite surreal. Just four years ago, Victoria was still my 'adopted' state - now I'm on the other side of the country knowing what's going on, but feeling it only via news reports and messages from friends that somehow only conspire to make it all the more distant.

It was back at the Post back in January 1997 that I was part of another bushfire that took hold in Melbourne's Dandenong Ranges. I posted about in a few years back, but though it might be worth sharing again.

January 1997...

I was working on a paper out in Ferntree Gully, in the foothills of the Dandenong Ranges and remember very clearly the first signs of a fire that went on to claim three lives.

I had wandered out to the front of the building on Burwood Hwy and noticed smoke rising from very close to the summit of the Ranges, near the television towers. It was a hot and windy day of around 35 degrees and it had been preceeded by a whole string of hot weather, similar to the current situation across Victoria.

It was fascinating to watch as that fire quickly took hold, with flames clearly visible licking the crest of the mountain and sending eddies of smoke and flame high above the undergrowth. A wind change then sent it in off in another direction, with one fire fighter later commenting on how the fire front quite literally jumped over his head as it roared back over the crest of the hill.

While attention was focussed on that fire high in the hills, another blaze was supposedly deliberately lit at the base of the Ranges in a suburb called The Basin, near Upwey. That fire, which I spotted when it was still relatively small and close to the Highway, turned into a raging inferno that blackened the sky above the eastern suburbs - it looked for all the world like a volcano erupting.

It was this fire that climbed rapidly up the other side of the mountain and caught three residents of Seabreeze Avenue, Ferny Creek, completely by surprise. Reading transcripts from the coroners' report, it would seem that the couple and their neighbour were confused by the direction and speed of the second fire and by the time they realised the danger, it was too late to evacuate.

Watching this all transpire from the safety of Ferntree Gully made it seem like a special effects movie on a super large screen. I actually covered activities in the Dandenongs as part of my paper round and to watch this fire consume bushland that I had travelled through regularly and take the lives of people I may well have stood with in the same line at the supermarket, was a sobering experience.

In the days, weeks, months and even years after the fires, the scarred landscape never failed to jog my senses as I wound my way up the mountain.

Here's hoping that loss of life isn't repeated again this summer and that we here in Perth don't face similar threats as the temperature continues to rise.

Ugly Aussies raise their heads

Sure, I've aired my opinion about all this Aussie flag flying fervour, so it's only to be expected that the other side of this debate would raise its head - in this case a rather ugly, close cropped, white supremacist kinda head.

Doing a search on the Australian flag in facebook groups took me to this charming site: 'People who find the Australian flag offensive should GET THE FUCK OUT!'

Not sure where the fuck out I'm supposed to go, but I think their logic that anyone who doesn't sport a flag out of every orrifice on Australia Day finds the flag offensive it quite fatally flawed.

There are a whole bunch of arguments in this group based around some council's decision to remove a flag on safety reasons that the 8,000-plus people in this group see as completely un-orstrayen... and somehow linked to the 'foreign invaders' in our midst.

And for the record, I'm your classic Anglo-Scot-Irish mongrel 4th generation Aussie, so no, I'm not pushing any racial barrow here.

But I am deeply ashamed when I read posts like this one from Victor Young, shown in his facebook profile pic with a young child in his arms:

Victor Young wrote
at 10:02am
there's nothing wrong with the australian flag, if u dont like the flag fuck off to another country and ian i quote "But this 'fuck off we're full' attitude is deplorable, and to my eyes - extremely un-Australian", it's not deplorable, we r getting full of pricks that come here and cant even speak our language and the citizen test is a load of shit, if u cant speak english, Fuck off we're ARE full, there is only so many jobs at the 7-11's.

I'd suggest Victor that if you're typical of the type of person that flies the Australian flag on Australia Day, then leave me out of it. This is deep south US of A circa 1950 sorta language.

I'd go as far to say Victor, that if you can't write proper English, should u also fuck off?

Surely, of the 8,000 people in this group, the vast majority couldn't possibly share these views? Could they? At this stage, the silence is deafening.

I'm over the Aussie flag

Is it just me, or was this Australia Day a virtual patchwork quilt of Aussie flags flying from every vehicular orifice available?

I spent the long weekend up at Lancelin, two hours north of Perth, and the number of flags rose proportionately with the number of dirt / quad bikes on the back of trailers hitched up to preposterously large SUVs.

Greath swathes of sand dune conquering machinery festooned with the Aussie flag were lined up at the back of the bakery, as singleted, sand blown occupants spilled forth like ants joining the queue for their meat pies and iced coffee.

I am SO over that bloody flag.

The only saving grace was not actually seeing anyone wearing it this year. But there were plenty of board shorts, hats, bikinis and YES, singlets adorned with the Union Jack and its little mate the Southern Cross to make up for it.

What is it with all this OTT patriotism? Good lord, there was even a young bloke in the weekend paper getting the Southern Cross tattooed across his torso.

Funny thing is, I don't actually know anyone who had a car flag, or any other flag for that matter. Despite the fact that in Lancelin - and no doubt across WA - there were at least three flags for every man, woman, child and dog.

Is the crowd I mix with un-Australian? Is the fact that we find all this nationalist fervour somewhat cringeworthy a bad thing? I suspect not. At least we weren't hitting each other over the head with beer bottles.

But what is un-Australian is the fact that my local butcher ran out of lamb chops! Sam Kekovich's head finally made its way into my subconscious and I took heed of his mantra only for my butcher to let the side - no, no, the country - down.

Then the Aussie cricket team posted an epic-fail to lose the current series 3-1 and all of a sudden I didn't know what country I was in. I had a chicken stir-fry and watched a French film on SBS.

I WILL take the Christmas tree down next weekend...

WA Monopoly champ 'fesses up

In a move that has the online community tearing at its thinning hair and gnashing its collective teeth, The Perth Files can today announce that it has signed up the 2009 Western Australian Monopoly Champion to the team.

Yes, The Perth Files is now the unofficial (cause we like it like that) blog of choice for Graham 'The Marlborough Man' Mason - 6PR producer extraordinaire, Hawthorn FC fanatic, purveyor of fine wines and NOW, WA's very own Monopoly Champion for 2009.

We caught up with the King of Free Parking at his luxury games room retreat on the outskirts of Perth. Wearing a toga and grinning like he'd just had a touch up from big Buddy Franklin himself, Mason welcomed The Perth Files and our six pack of Emu Bitter with open arms.

So mate, let's not beat around the bush here, what's the most blatant cheat you’ve ever seen?

I must say as there were plenty of judges floating around at the WA state championships and plenty of eagle-eyed competitiors, I'm not sure that any cheating went on.

On a personal level, I have added the odd number to the dice when I have played against my kids for fear of being eliminated early. If they're not alert to it, then fair move, play on. Did I mention they're only eight? Also when controlling the bank, I may have slipped the odd extra $100 into my kick when passing 'Go'. But nothing major.

Does violence ever come into the game and describe the biggest pain in the arse player you've met?

No violence at the state champs, unfortunately. In my past I did once have an anger management issue and was guilty of kicking over the table in disgust on a couple of occassions. But after being hauled up before the Monopoly judiciary and being given a last chance reprimand I began to curb my ways.

I went for the subtle, less obvious stuff rather that the grandstanding trashing of the board style-gig.

There are small things you can do to unsettle opponents. Without giving too much away, one tactic is to throw the dice in an opponent's eye when it's your turn. A simple raised hand, 'sorry mate, it slipped' apology usually gets you off the hook. Just make out that you're Peter Sumich kicking at goal and you have no idea where the ball/dice is going to go. Hell, he made a career out of that.

Free parking cash bonus or no free parking?

I'm a traditionalist. Free parking is just that, free parking. No cash bonus. Same as in life.

--- at this point TPF throws a bottle cap at Mason and the term wanker may have been deployed. A return deployment of dice at speed draws blood ---

Can you play monopoly drunk?

I have played Monopoly after I have had a few and it is in a word, chaos. It simply becomes impossible to fathom monetary denominations and do simple mathematical equations.

Monopoly skulls was a big game at university. One of the dullest plays in Monopoly is when you land on your own property - nothing happens. So my uni buddy Otis and I instituted the shot of tequila for when you landed on your own property. No comment on what happened when you landed on the "Go directly to jail" square.

So what piece are you - I'm thinking Graham 'The Iron' Mason?

Not sure about Graham "the Iron" Mason although it is probably better than "The Thimble". I was thinking of "The Marlborough Man" in honour of my favourite property, Marlborough Street, on my favourite colour group - the orange set.

where did you hone your skills? The family holiday house during breaks in the Boxing Day test matches?

I've played Monopoly since I was about 7 and come from a big board game playing tradition. Board games over computer games, any day. School holidays were always massive for Monopoly. OK, so I didn't have much of a life!

Hawthorn is touring the Premiership Cup, if you win in Vegas, will you tour the Monopoly Cup? Is it a cup, or is it a racing car, or top hat perhaps?

Mate, if I win the Monopoly World Title, did I mention it is being held in Las Vegas (sorry, that's Vegas, baby, Vegas) I will be touring the cup everywhere.

The last Australian to win the world title was back in 1983 (also a Hawthorn premiership year I note). Not sure what the physical prize is, but there is a US$20,000 cheque and the way the $Aussie is behaving that may be a king's ransom come October.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I still have the nationals in Melbourne in March and has all sporting greats say, I'm just taking it one game at a time.

Is the missus concerned about Monopoly groupies - the Bond Street Babes or Whitehall Ho's for example?

The wife is pretty keen to accompany me to Melbourne for the nationals and I suspect you have hit the nail on the head, it is in fact to head off the groupies, or "Monopoly moles" as she calls them. Or it might just be the shopping, the latter I suspect. I don't know, what is the classic Monopoly pick-up line, "fancy coming back to my place?" All the better if it's Mayfair or Park Lane and not Old Kent Road. It's all about "location, location, location".

Can The Perth Files join you for an official training session and better still, can we host it in a pub?

More than happy to indulge The Perth Files in a Monopoly session. And obviously it would have to be in a pub. I'll put a call into Otis and bring back "The Monopoly Tequilla Sessions."

Thank you for your time Graham and mate, since I supplied the grog, any chance of whacking some party pies in the oven?

So there you go folks, he is da man. The Marlborough Man Mason will contest the Australian Championships in Melbourne shortly, atop of Bruno Grollo's mammoth Eureka Towers complex.

If you want to join The Perth Files for a sneak peak into the training techniques of this great man - and get on the turps - leave me a comment right here, or do not pass go...

Burn baby, burn!

Standing in the backyard yesterday it was easy to think a storm was brewing. Thick, bulbous clouds massed around the city and a similar storm head was pushing high into the sky over the back of Osborne Park.

But they weren't clouds of course, they were thick plumes of smoke from fires raging in Kings Park and... well, I don't know exactly where the other fire was.

Further north another loose-head pyromaniac was fiddling about with the Red Head matches in the Yanchep National Park and down south the bush around Bridgetown was about to be torched.

With the temperature nudging 42 degrees celcius, it was odds on that the fire nuts would come out to play, particularly with the Sydney blazes featuring heavily in the news.

I'm told that a lot of fires are actually started by volunteer firies who are keen to see action, but that's not a path I want to go down. I've heard enough stories about walls of flame that charge down valleys like blazing tsunamis to know that it's a job only for those with the sizeable cojones.

Today it would seem that Kings Park is 'contained', albeit scarred and blackened across a wide area, but Yanchep and Bridgetown continue to burn. Smoke hangs heavy across a large part of WA, including the Perth suburbs where I'm at.

Right now I'm sitting here looking out across a Beijing-like skyline, wearing a shirt that's soaked up its own small part of the Kings Park smoke. I wonder if the foreshore ferris wheel kept turning during the fire? Seems almost perverse really to think that people were paying $15 a pop to watch the city's landmark burn, but hey, you gotta make your money where you can get it.

Take your flag and stick it!

So here we go, another Australia Day around the corner and another 50,000 drunken yobs in boardshorts and Bintang singlets careening around draped in the national flag shouting, 'Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oy! Oy! Oy!'

Please, give me a break! I love living in this joint as much as the next bloke - unless he's the homeless person, in prison, or biding his time in a mouldy detention centre of course - but, enough with the nationalistic (is that a word?) flag waving fervour.

Wrapping the flag around your shoulders doesn't suddenly transform you from a boorish yob to one of our country's proud pioneers. It just makes you a nob. Pauline Hanson did it for fu&#@ sake and she's a ranga to boot!

And of course our esteemed newspaper has got in on the act and is selling the flag for $2 a pop. They even got Matt Rosa and Matt Pridis from the Eagles to help spruke the booty:

To help others get into the spirit of the day, The West Australian is offering readers the opportunity to grab an Australia Day flag for just $2. From tomorrow, readers can get their coupon in The West Australian and redeem it at participating newsagencies for a flag to wave at the fireworks or put on the car.

With only 50,000 flags on offer, Rosa said he wasn’t taking any chances. “I’m going to stick it on the car. It’s a really good idea,” he said.

Yep, only 50,000 - a nice $100,000 into The West's kitty, minus of course the cost of producing the flags. Made in China perhaps? Yeah, really good idea Matt.

These flags are of the really annoying variety that people clip to their car windows. 'Hello, yes, I'm an Australian and I have a friggen flag to prove it!'

Good lord people, you don't need to have the flag hanging from every orrifice to be a good Australian. We aren't Americans yet. And dare I ask what about the Aboriginal flag - where does that fit into the scheme of things?

Ah bugger it, pass me a beer and a burnt snag. Oy, fricken oy!

Will YOU be wearing the flag on Australia Day???

The last Bushism?

In his second to last public address, George 'Dubbya' Bush has given us a Bushism to truly remember. "I think the American people have misunderestimated me..."

Yes George, I think they did. In fact, I think the whole world has misunderestimated you, but not to worry. Not long now and you'll be able to join JW Howard in retirement, roping a few steers and hanging out in your tassled chapps.

Thanks for the laughs and watch out for them spurs.

Your favourite Bushisms???

Perth International Beer Fest

Great work from Stu at YelPar for this invigorating bitch about the Perth International Beer Fest over the weekend.

Of course, my good mate The Lazy Aussie thought it was a motza for The Worst of Perth as well. Truly a grand Worst - if the reports are correct.

I'm loving the fact that according to our spies, punters lined up for over an hour, only to line up again at one of the beer 'tents' to be handed a warm bottle of something not very exotic at all.

Indeed, one of my colleagues here in the Hub commented, "I didn't mind it, but that was because I was pissed when I got there. You'd have to be pissed to enjoy it".

Shame Perth, shame. I think you'd find a better time swigging a bottle of Stones Green Ginger wine on the Cottesloe foreshore, watching out for sharks. If the rozzers don't get you of course...

Six metre monster shark menaces Perth

Yeah, it's the sort of headline that drags you in doesn't it? In a sense it's true - there probably is a six metre white pointer somewhere off the WA coast, maybe closer to Antarctica than Cottesloe Beach, but by god the bugger's out there... waiting for its chance to hit our shores, gnashing its teeth and snapping surf skis in half like, well, like... surf skis.

These monsters live in our heads and I dare any one of you to make the claim that you never ever think - just for a fraction of a second - that there might be a big Noah's Ark with your name on it just about to burst through the next wave.

Like most gen-Xers and probably most baby boomers, I live by a creed of 'never turn your back to the sea'. It's in those moments, no matter how brief, that something built like a combi van with dead black eyes and a mouth like a cave filled with razor sharp stallectites, will suddenly appear from the 'dark patch'.

You know the dark patch? It's that bit where you can no longer see the sandy bottom. That bit that you glimpse when you open your eyes under water only to see multitudes of shifty shadows darting your way. I steer clear of the dark water. I fancy that if that hungry behemoth crosses from dark to light, I'll at least have a couple of seconds on my side to churn my way to shore.

I've seen a shark or two in my life. I've even caught two small bronze whalers and eaten the proceeds, so I know there are family out there with a reason to want me chewed on.

In one trip to Esperance alone I saw the mo-fo of all great white fins breach the foreshore surface and cruise silently between me and about a dozen surfers before sliding under again. I didn't say a word.

The next day we watched two gents of southern European experience frolicking with a school of dolphins in a remote bay. "Come and see the dolphin - is swimming with us yes?" It was quite a sight to see how quickly two men can exit the water when they're told the dolphins are actually tiger sharks feeding on salmon. One of them kept swimming right up the slope of the granite rocks leading down to the bay. Blood everywhere!

But we all let our guards down at times, despite the clear and present danger that Jaws taught us was lurking EVERYWHERE.

I'll never forget the day I was surfing at Cottesloe, on the Leighton side of the groin (meant to throw in a testicular shrinkage pun here, but forgot - thanks for pointing out my 'groyne problems 'notallpoppies.com.au') very late in the day. My mate had gone in about 10 minutes earlier, but I just wanted to catch one more wave.

The water was dark and almost oily with a thick layer of weed that pulled at your legs and arms as you paddled. The light was almost gone, so I sat up on the board and swung around to the horizon to see if any small sets were coming through.

It was then that I heard a splash to one side. A loud slap on the surface.

I whipped around and could see that something had broken through the weed about a metre away. Too close, no matter what it was. I lay flat on the deck and reached in to start paddling.

Suddenly a black mass burst through the weed about three feet from my face.

It was a seal. A damned seal, that had my heart punching its way out of my wetsuit.

Jaws had been the first blow to my life as a part-time surfer and that seal was without doubt the mortal wound. I could never quite relax after that and if you can't relax while you're having a surf, then what is the point I ask?

These days I still love a dip in the briny and I know that my chances of being shark chum are very, very slim, but there's no escaping those nasty thoughts. And who could blame me right now with the sort of headlines and constant parade of sharkies we see in the media every second day?

And I know you're all suckers for a good shark tale, because in the past three weeks I must have had over 600 hits to this site thanks to Google searches on 'shark sightings in Perth'.

So now that you're here, tell me why? What is it about those beasties from the deep that float, ahem (sink) your boat? For now I'll keep one eye on the latest happenings and the other on the sea [cue Jaws soundtrack here...]

*VOTE IN THE TPF SHARL POLL TO YOUR RIGHT - yes, ----> THAT way!

Perth shark sightings - the real story

I thought that since 80% of the traffic coming to this site was linked to Google searches for 'Perth shark sightings', it would be remiss of me not to add to the discussion.

What a lot of people don't know - and I probably shouldn't be divulging this sort of information online - is that we've seen an increasing number of large sharks off Perth beaches this summer for one simple reason - the Cottesloe pylon and its dramatic lean.

Yup, that leaning tower of cancer ridden concrete that sits in the middle of the Cottesloe Beach bay plays a far greater role in shark protection than anyone, particularly government, cares to admit.

You won't read about it in the history books, but that pylon actually contains some of the most radical technology to come out of Soviet Russia during World War II.

A chap by the name of Vladmir Solsvensky bought this particular technology with him when he landed on our shores in 1935. The device, about the size of a football with a long tubular antenae, was designed to cripple the radar systems of German U-Boats when they strayed within 5km. More importantly it jammed weapons systems, rendering submarines useless, and had an in-built power generation unit that ran on sea water... the technical details I can't explain.

And so Vladmir just happened to raise this technology with a local councillor from the Cottesloe region over a few Swan Lagers one evening and the rest, as they say, is history.

The councillor had the device installed into one of a number of pylons installed in 1936 that were supposed to be anchor points for a vast shark net in the bay. Of course, the central pylon containing the anti-sub device was the most highly fortified and the only structure to remain after a storm swept in and knocked all the others down.

This is where it gets really interesting...

While there were no submarines to repel, over the course of the next 12 months the local authorities and surf lifesaving patrols noted a distinct drop-off in the number of shark sitings off the coast of Perth, at Cottesloe and Swanbourne in particular.

Vladmir insisted that it was his device that was now working to scramble the sharks' radars and detering them from venturing too close to shore. Alas, the Russian died in 1938 and knowledge of his device went with him to his grave.

Only the original councillor now knew what was really in that pylon, but he dare not speak for fear of retribution at having installed the device in the first place.

Over the next 70 years the effects of weather, vandalism and human modification have seen the effectiveness of the anti-shark device slowly wane. In recent years, as the pylon took on its distinct lean, the signals have almost disappeared.

This summer alone we've had shark sitings on a daily basis, many of these creatures well over four metres in length.

To be honest, I don't know if the sharks really pose a threat to humans, but I reckon old Vladmir's invention has probably saved at least a few swimmers from a close encounter of the very worst kind.

Christmas Lunch in the Park

Thanks to everyone who helped make this year's Mission Australia Christmas Lunch in the Park such a great day for the 1,400 men, women and children who came along.

It was my first 'CLIP' and it was a hectic few months in the lead-up to what is without doubt Australia's biggest charity Christmas lunch, but the end result is worth its weight in gold.

A big thanks to Nathan Morris from NOVA breakfast fame, who bought along his family while he did the MC gig and made everyone chuckle as they tucked into their turkey and ham lunches.

I'll be asking for your help again next year, so be ready folks. Numbers were down this year, probably as a result of the federal government's $1,000 bonus payments allowing many families to spend Christmas in their own homes, but I reckon next year is going to be the big test.

But for now, stay safe and have a very happy start to 2009. X

Men behaving badly - so what???

C'mon folks

What's all the fuss over the Andrew O'Keefe 'Guttergate Affair' huh? Did he snort cocaine off a stripper's bare backside? Did he throw a shoe at Kevin Rudd and scream 'The honeymoon is over pal!' huh?

No, he did none of those things. Sure he got maggoted and crawled in a Chapel Street gutter. Yes, he talked crap about kiwi fruit farmers. Indeed, he used inappropriate language and fell into the arms of strange girls...

Wake up Australia, it's Christmas party time!!! The only thing he's done wrong is get caught on video. Nothing going on here that I haven't seen at plenty of end of year functions.

I think certain sections of the meedya ought to get over themselves before more 'blooper' tapes make an appearance! Either that, or Ben Cousins should do something really special like walk down the street, fart, or scratch his bits, cause then there'll be no room left on pages 1-10.

I bet you lovely readers out there - and I'm sure there are at least three - can tell me some better stories than that? C'mon, time to fess up now... or, do you have any other celeb behaving badly stories.

If you're lucky, I might just tell you about my trip to Rottnest with Kim Wilde. Merry Christmas folks and have a safe and happy New Year!!!!

Kiwi fizz THE best lemonade

Those who know me will tell you that I'm not shy of a little Kiwi baiting, you know, the tasteful sheep shagging gags, having a guffaw about their funny little words like jandles, chilly bins (chully buns) and hokey pokey... all harmless stuff... suxty sux, hee hee...

But hey, Bro, things are slowly starting to turn around. I have a new found rispict for our island cousins and it's come in the form of a 330ml bottle of lemonade.

Dead set, I walked into an upmarket bottle-o the other day in search of a warm cask of Fruity Lexia, when I was struck by a sudden thirst of the tongue swelling variety. So what to have, I thought as my eyes gave the small soft drink cabinet the quick once up and down... and there it was, Phoenix Organic Lemonade - Naturally Bittersweet.

I grabbed a bottle and rolled it around in my hands checking out what I'd be getting for my $3.20 and there it was, 'proudly made in New Zealand'. A bloody import. Can't we make a half decent lemonade over here on the big island???

But bugger it, this dry as a dead dingo's donger situation was now beyond my control and this lemonade was going to be mine, import or not. Even the bloke behind the counter was talking it up.

And to be honest, it was CHOICE bro... the duck's nuts, the bee's knees, the dog's bollocks. It really WAS naturally bittersweet and yes, I could taste that natural cane sugar on the back of my tongue. Bliss.

I was hooked. So much so that after picking the young bloke up from school and giving him a taste test to confirm my miraculous discovery, I had to go back and procure a four pack.

After checking out the website I'm now craving more. That cola is calling my name and there's a whole bunch of fruity stuff I haven't even had time to consider.

I'm yet to find the Phoenix range anywhere else, hence, I will not divulge the source of my find right now... if you do find out, I will quite simply have to kill you - a 330ml bottle in the back of the bonce perhaps?

Oh, and I forgot all about that Fruity Lexia in the end...

Marketing heavyweights descend on Perth

Perth is set to play host to the biggest marketing and business conference in the State’s history at the Australian Masters Marketing Summit 2009 (AMMS09). You can join the facebook group and stay up-to-date here.

AMMS09, the brainchild of Yellow Empire founder Peter Aleksander, will bring together 19 of the world’s most high profile marketing gurus for two days of education and insight on March 17 and 18 at the Sheraton Hotel.

The event was launched on 1 December, with Mr Aleksander outlining his thinking behind hosting such a large-scale, big name conference.

“This event was born out of a desire to bring the world’s heavy hitters in the marketing game to us – to make Perth the destination for a change and create an event that really is world class,” Mr Aleksander said.

“To that end I’ve secured industry leaders from around the globe, including the US, Asia, Europe, the UK and Australia, to share their expertise in an environment that encourages creativity and collaboration.

“At long last, Perth’s marketing, advertising, promotions and event management people will have access to the elite of their peer groups – the innovators of our generation - without having to travel across the country to do so.

“It’s a chance to tap into the latest trends, mind-sets, practises and strategies from the greatest minds representing the leading brands that shape the marketing world and its consumers,” he said.

Mr Aleksander said the goal of the conference was for delegates to leave “armed with an arsenal of new ideas, solutions and strategies that can be immediately built into marketing budgets to drive revenue growth in 2009”.

The event will provide valuable marketing information to a wide audience, providing beneficial tools to assist small and medium sized businesses through to national and international brands.

Early bird tickets are available until 19 December, with further details available at www.amms09.com.au

Speakers at AMMS09 include:

• Bernie Mullins Ph D, Director The Aspire Group and former CEO of Atlanta Hawks & Thrashers.
• Larry DeGaris Ph D, Director Sponsorship Strategy Indianapolis, USA.
• Rebekah Horne, General Manager Fox Media Interactive Europe; My Space.
• Ian Stewart, Senior Vice President MTV Asia.
• Michelle Pilot, Vice President of Marketing Lexus Group.
• Andrew Ciae, Director of Marketing Lexus Group.
• Ben Wicks, Director of Sponsorship Fosters Group.
• Sean Pickwell, Managing Director Waterfront Media.
• Tim Addington, Editor B&T Magazine.
• Gina Unwin, National Manager Brand & Sponsorship HSBC.
• Mike Wilson, Director Naked Communications.
• Annick Perrin, Client Services Manager ikon Communications.
• Brian Gallagher, CEO Full Circle Media.
• James Neale, Managing Director Traffic Marketing.
• Steve Fontanot, Senior Account Director Making Waves Australia.

NOVA crew wrapping for charity

It was great to see Nathan and Cambo head down to Mission Australia's East Perth headquarters today to wrap a few presents in the lead up to Christmas Lunch in the Park.

There were lots of bright, shiny things to keep Nathan distracted and a large bunny that needed binding before he managed to seal it in its Christmas wrapping. Cambo, of course, chose a cricket bat to parcel up, then had a go at wrapping Nathan up in some stunning gold paper - he came up a treat.

We're looking for more volunteers to do their stint in Santa's special workshop, so if you have a spare hour to help out give Jan at Mission a call on 9225 0413.

What are you doing Christmas Day

Mission Australia's Christmas Lunch in the Park provides a special day out for Perth's homeless and disadvantaged communities.

And this year we need your help to stump up the dollars to make it all happen and to lend us some of your time to come into the East Perth offices and help wrap presents - details below.

Now in its 33rd year, the annual lunch held at Wellington Square Park in East Perth looks set to attract a record attendance in 2008. Indeed, increasing financial pressures will see attendee numbers rise considerably at this year’s event, which plays host to between 1,500 and 1,800 people.

Those numbers to rise even more sharply in 2009 and beyond as the economic crisis bites deeper into the WA economy.

The good news for Mission Australia and the people who join us on Christmas Day is that the overwhelming generosity of the WA public during the 2007 appeal meant that we had almost enough gifts left over to cover this year’s event.

What that means is we can focus on raising the funds required to pay for the cost of hosting the lunch and start preparing for 2009. It might seem premature to be looking ahead to next Christmas, but we’re expecting there will be a lot more people needing our help in the year ahead.

We’re asking the WA public to help us today, to make sure that those in our community who are most in need don’t suffer even more tomorrow.

It’s really a matter of putting things into perspective – we all talk about the impact of a global financial crisis, but it’s worth remembering that for those that are homeless or disadvantaged, ‘doing it tough’ is a way of life every day of the year.

Many families are already in a position where they can’t provide a Christmas meal and presents for their children and for them it’s going to get even harder.

Christmas Lunch in the Park continues to be a key feature of Perth’s festive season, bringing companies and hundreds of volunteers and donors together to make sure Christmas is a special time for everyone.

It's both an important service and a social event for families and individuals whose lives have been affected by poverty, sudden illness, marriage breakdown, unemployment, drug and alcohol abuse or homelessness.

Perth’s biggest Christmas Day charity event provides a meal, presents, entertainment and companionship for Perth people and struggling families.

Financial donations are particularly important to help us run this event and the people of WA can get involved through donations or table sponsorships.

We’re also looking for individuals and corporate groups to spare some time to come into our offices to wrap gifts, from Monday December 1 until Friday December 19.

For enquiries regarding donations of money or gifts, please contact Mission Australia on 9225 0416 or email huigenss@missionaustralia.com.au. You can also make online donations quickly and easily by clicking HERE.

To volunteer to help wrap gifts, please call Jan Gilbert on 9225 0413 or email gilbertj@missionaustralia.com.au or me direct at john.cooke@ppr.com.au

I'll be there on the day, along with our very special MC Nathan from NOVA and his Mum and Dad - watch this space for the post-event piccies and PLEASE, do what you can to help.

Ralph Magazine botches boob job

According to news.com.au, men's mag Ralph has managed to lose a couple of sea containers filled with plastic blow-up breasts.

The containers turned up dockside after an uneventful journey from Beijing, but were totally titless, with nary a nork in site.

Thinking that someone had made a boob of the job and maybe mixed up the bevy of bazoombas with a shipment of floaties or inflatable air matresses, they went back to the shipping company with a big WTF?

As we speak, no one has yet been able to put a finger on the culprits, although the renegade terrorist group Benny Hill Jihad Alliance has claimed responsibility in a letter to 'Jugs Ahoy Magazine'.

In the meantime, Ralph Magazine is fast approaching deadline and looking at alternatives for its blow-up boob promotion. "Unfortunately, it looks like being a Christmas without many happy mammaries," a spokesperson said.

Australia the movie - what you don't know

To be honest, I've never been a big fan of the big screen period drama, particularly when there's a faint whiff of Mills & Boon romance mixed in with the gumleaves, billy tea and horse poo.

It's the reason why I've never seen that over-salted, soggy sea cracker Titanic and probably never will. Too much schmaltz and seaweed makes for a nasty stink in my books.

But Baz Luhrmann's Australia is an Aussie classic, maaate! It's got Our Nic and Big Bad Hughie Jackman running around this vast bloody Western Australian bushland half naked, it's got war, it's got weird references to the Wizard of Oz and it's got REAL indigenous Australians in the cast.

God damn, it's the film that's supposed to stab Crocodile Dundee to death with its own hunting knife and bury the carcas under a rotting log never to cast its shadow across the oz-stereotype again.

Okay, sooooo...

Sifting through all the hype, to my eyes Australia was looking about as authentic-oz as a smear of Marmite on a piece of German rye. A few roos short of a top paddock.

But that was until I came across - let's call him David - an Aboriginal bloke and his wife hanging around to one side of a Western Force sponsorship announcement at Ronald McDonald House in Subiaco.

"David worked on that film Australia," someone whispered.

I wandered over and introduced myself, asking what he worked on during the project. 'David' explained that Baz had employed him to ensure the authenticity of the Aboriginal language captured on film.

"It was lucky," he said. "If they'd filmed a few kilometres further north it would have been another language spoken in that country and someone else would have got the job."

David had just got back to the Kimberley after a couple of weeks post-production work in Sydney. He and his wife had bought their son down for treatment at Princess Margaret Hospital and were staying at Ronald McDonald House while they were in town.

"Don't like this cold weather," he said with a rue smile.

To him the work was no big deal. He was just a bloke from the Kimberley who was lucky enough to land a job with a pretty big film that rolled into his corner of this vast continent. His son also managed to land work as a stand-in actor to one of the lead cast members.

It was after this meeting that I decided that yes, I would go and see Australia at the cinema and add my few dollars to the gross ticket sales that determine the success or failure of a film.

If Baz was prepared to go to such lengths to ensure the authenticity of the Aboriginal language spoken in that particular area of Western Australia where the film was shot, then he's got my two thumbs-up.

I might still walk away less than moved, but that sort of attention to detail deserves respect, maaate!

Groove on the Green

Lawn bowls is my kind of sport. You can kick your shoes off, have a few lazy ales and roll a few bowls down without too much fear of breaking into a sweat.

And now the North Fremantle Centre, home of the Magpies, has pumped up the cool factor to 11, with its Sunday Groove on the Green sessions.

Not only can you indulge in barefoot bowls and the finest liquor available to mankind, you can also enjoy live music with an open mic session taking place from 2.00 - 7.00pm... whenever the groove grinds to a halt. Oh, and there's a barbecue in action as well to keep the tastebuds happy.

Now if you've read my previous post about the NFC, you'll know that it's seriously retro and The Perth Files (TPF) just LOVES retro, almost as much as a cold beer.

Best of all, there's a serious TPF link here, with Cookster Senior (my Fremantle correspondent) the man behind the plan and behind the bar.

Join my facebook group Friends of North Fremantle Bowling Club for news of The Perth Files 4th Birthday Bash in 2009.

The club is located on Stirling Hwy, North Fremantle - on the left as you head towards the 'new' bridge.

See you on the green groovers!

Help out the kids tomorrow

Well, tomorrow is McHappy Day and if you've ever wondered what this fundraiser supported by - love 'em or hate 'em - McDonald's actually does, then I'd suggest you take a couple of minutes to watch this video.

This footage was shot just two weeks ago at Ronald McDonald House in Subiaco. I've met these kids, I've met their families and I hope that you'll want to help them as much as I do.

Tomorrow, 15 November, you can choose to buy a Big Mac, you can buy a Crazy Straw, a box of Byron Bay Cookies, a McHappy Meal, or just throw some coins into the bucket.

There are plenty of ways you can pitch in, so go on, even if you're a rabid member of the Young Socialist Alliance who thinks our clown Ronald is the spawn of Satan (trust me, he's not), hang up your hang-ups for one day and 'help teh kideez'.

The Obama victory - from the inside looking out

Barack Obama may well be the President elect of the United States of America, but a quick Google search shows that in the online world, we're talking about the importance of this event on a global scale.

Maybe it's because we're all running scared? Maybe it's because at this time in world history it's no longer fun to have a clown in the White House, a good 'ol boy who can't grasp third grade linguistics. This shit has hit the world economics fan, the globe is combusting and no one seems to have a hand on the steering wheel.

To use a line from the Aussie 80s flick 'Going Down', 'This is a dog eat dog world and from where I'm standing, there's not enough dog to go around.'

We need a WORLD leader and maybe Barack Obama is that man? Someone who can cut through all the crap and actually inspire people to bring about real change in the world? As bitter and cynical about world politics as I am, I could use a fix of that right now.

And that brings me to the main event of this post - the thoughts and reasonings of a man who worked as a volunteer on the Obama campaign. What the hell drove Scott Barman, a coin collecting 40-something guy from Washington DC to say, 'You know what, this Obama character looks the real deal and I'm gonna help him to get elected as the next President of the USA'. What indeed, read on...

Next stop, 'HOPE' - Scott Barman

Where did we go right? What made us do it? What happened after eight years of a president whose popularity is the lowest since the 1970s, what made a country with years of racial and cultural divides elect someone other than a white man as president?

HOPE!

We hope that this man with a funny name and does not look like the presidents on the dollar bills will be as cool and calm under fire as he showed during this grueling campaign to lead the United States back from our last eight years.

It is that hope and watching him deflect the attacks against him that prompted me, a middle-aged white guy born in New York living in the Washington, DC-area to support this man.

I have always been a political junkie. Aside from reading as many newspapers as I could acquire, I would watch the Sunday morning talk shows as religiously as some watch entertainment television. But up until now, I had not become involved in the election process. I had never donated money to a campaign. Sure, I attended city and county council meetings, I wrote to legislators, and signed petitions. I also volunteer to help cancer-related charities in their lobbying efforts to ensure funding for related healthcare and research. But I never worked with a campaign.

After having knee surgery on an arthritic knee, I was contacted by a phone bank worker in the Obama for President office in Bethesda, Maryland. Since I had donated money, I was on "the list." The woman was very nice to me and asked if I could help with my time. Since I am still recovering from my surgery, she suggested that I come into the office and call others. I agreed.

My first day on this job was the Saturday after the second debate. I was brought to a computer, logged in to a secure website, handed a script, and started calling. I personalized the script a bit, added more of my personality, made it sound more exciting, and I called other Obama supporters.

I never asked for money. I asked for help. I asked if they would join groups of people who would knock on doors in Northern Virginia, just over the border, to gain additional support. That was important since Virginia is a battleground state and the more votes the better the chance that Obama could win the electoral votes from a traditional Republican state.

If the person at the other end of the phone was physically challenged or were afraid to do the canvassing, they could volunteer to call others, like I was doing. With very limited exceptions, the people I spoke with that day were excited to hear from me. Even though I signed up only one person, it was infectious. So I volunteered again.

As the election approached, the script changed and the calling region widened. First, I was calling people in Northern Virginia asking if they could canvas in other parts of the state. I made arrangements for dozens of people to meet other Obama supporters in targeted areas of Virginia so they could knock on doors to spread the word. Then it was other states. I called quite a few people in Pennsylvania, Ohio, Iowa, and Florida asking for support.

I missed the final weekend of calling to pick up a new puppy (see http://coinsblog.blogspot.com/2008/11/new-acquisition.html), but on Monday, the calls were to all over the country reminding people to vote. No more volunteering was necessary. We just wanted to remind people to vote. After the previous two election and the dirty tricks by the Republican Party, the only way to combat that was to win decisively.

Most of us were confidently nervous. Confidence came from the polls showing Obama winning. Nervous because we remember the polls showing John Kerry winning before the 2004 election and what happened in 2000.

But the trends in the polls were in Obama's favor and all we could do was let the process continue.

I attended a private election party on the big night. We watched as the results were being announced. Results were announced slowly. As the polls closed in each state, both candidates were "holding serve", winning the states they expected to win. Then came Indiana, analyzing the county-by-county count and showing how Obama was doing well.

Pennsylvania went to Obama, which was expected, but it was announced that Virginia was leaning to Obama. So was Florida, which was not expected. Then it was very close in North Carolina--too close to call.

The Rust Belt states of Ohio, Michigan, Wisconsin, and Minnesota were called for Obama and the excitement started to build. With Pennsylvania and Ohio going to Obama, McCain had to run the table. We were optimistic but still nervous.

Obama captured New Mexico and Colorado during the ten o'clock hour.
Indiana was trending to Obama. Virginia and North Carolina was too close to call. Florida is... well... Florida as it was announced there were problems in the southeastern part of the state.

It was 11 PM, the polls closed on the west coast. California, Oregon, and Washington represent 73 electoral votes. With 270 needed to win, Obama was projected to already have over 200 at the top of the hour. But it wasn't over until the electoral counter eclipsed 270 votes.

The announcement came: "NBC News projects that Barack Obama will be the next president of the United States."

As the picture on the television switched to Grant Park in Chicago, the scene of violent protests during the 1968 Democratic National Convention, it was a sea of jubilation.

Ten minutes later, the Commonwealth of Virginia was called for Obama.
For those of us who worked the phones and those who went door-to-door campaigning, it was a satisfying victory.

Our party broke up at 11:30. While we wanted to celebrate, it was time for sleep so we could return to our jobs in the morning.

It was a great experience. I do not know if I would do it again, but I thought it was necessary for this candidate and for this election.

President-elect Barack Obama will be inaugurated on January 20, 2009.
I cannot wait!

Inside the Obama camp

Be sure and listen to a live interview at 7.15am tomorrow morning with Obama campaign headquarters volunteer and avid coin collector, Scott Barman from Washington DC.

Scott is soon to provide a campaign blog for The Perth Files, but in the meantime I've arranged for him to speak with the presenter of 720 ABC Saturday Breakfast, James Lush, to discuss what the campaign and - ultimately - the sweet taste of victory was like for someone on the inside.

Remember to share your comments about what Obama's victory means to you.

Can we fix it America?

UPDATE: please leave a brief comment telling me what you felt when Obama took to the the stage to accept victory - and pass this link on to your friends to do the same!

YES THEY CAN!!! There was a touch of the Bob the Builders about Barack Obama's victory speech today and lord knows, he's going to need all the help he can get with the grizzled shell of a country he's been handed the reigns to lead.

I'll never forget the fact that I heard the speech while sitting in my car in the rain eating hot chips and gravy... hell, an event like this screamed out for comfort food.

Now that Dubbya's been told not to let the door hit him on the arse on the way out and John McCain can lay off the Red Bull, might we see another era of sanity prevail in the US?

I got the fear today when I heard an interview with Sarah Palin as she exited a polling booth and refused to say who she voted for... 'That's the neat thing about this country'.

Just have a good look at this video of the Hockey Mom and ask yourself just how safe the world would have been with this halfwit in charge?

But Barack Obama, can he fix it?
Barack Obama, oh yes, it appears he can.

Was it just me, or did this election result have a far more profound impact than anything that has happened in world politics in the past 50 years? How many of you shed a tear? How many kissed and hugged your partners and kids? Fired off text messages or twittered through the whole process?

Where were you when Obama strode on stage to accept victory and what was your reaction?

Daylight saving zombies - part III

I had struggled under the weight of serious octopus induced hallucinations thanks to the workings of Teh 'Rage Cohen, only to find myself standing alone before the thrashing sea on the North Mole in old Fremantle Town.

The smell of sardines and diesel hung heavy in the air.

The weariness had set in and my limbs were savaged by the winds like poorly secured corflute signage at a corporate land sale.

In the distance I could see a vehicle painted in stripes, like a tiger - or was it flames? - but there was no sign of the barge and no sign of The Worst of Perth car and its rummy occupants, The Lazy Aussie, Skink and Frank.

I can't tell you precisely what happened next, except to say that a large hypodermic was thrust into my neck and the last sounds I heard were a cackling laugh carried on a Sambuca breath, breathing out the words, 'Say hello to the She-Ra from us...'

This sordid account of the dream state that followed comes from the foetid pen of none other than The Lazy Aussie, who truly does know The Worst of Perth... (language warning!)

'Picture if you can Cookster', said Rolly, struggling to remove his boot, 'A man driven by blind stupidity. A man whose spiritual blinds hang faded in tattered strips like Bodz Tanning Salon. A man whose cow of the soul has udders distended hideously like an inflated rubber glove...'

Cookster snickered. 'Like, five versions of Tiny Pinders knob?'

Rolly paused a moment in the struggle to remove his boot. 'If you prefer. Now imagine if that glove was expecting to be inflated beyond the physical limits of the structure of the fabric at a particular time?' With a tremendous effort Rolly's boot flies off.

'Im not with you', said Cookster.

'OK, let me put it this way', said Rolly, fishing an imaginary stone from the toe. 'Imagine if those five Pinder knobs were expecting relief at a particular time, say after a Wildcats game, and then they were told they wouldnt get that relief until an hour later?'

'Told? So you'd be talking into Tiny's knob?'

'Tap tap, is this thing working?'

'Just forget Pinder's cock!' snapped Rolly.

'But you said...'

'Never mind what I said. You're in PR right?'

'Yes. A house is not a home.'

'In that case, let me put it into words you can understand. C#@t kini.'

'Ahh. OK. Right.'

'With daylight saving, the c#@t kinis hanging in Stripper's World window would fade much faster," Rolly explained.

'Dont you think you're moving too fast to the punch line in this dialogue?' said Cookster. 'Shouldn't there be more Pinder cock talk?'

'No', said Rolly. 'I have to go to the toilet. Wine exhausted.'

To be continued...

Buggy challenge launches Handa Open

This morning's launch of the Handa Open golf tournament at the Fleet Steps in Sydney's Royal Botanic Gardens saw four of the game's Legends battling it out in a Golf Buggy Challenge.

With a grey looking Opera House and Harbour Bridge for a backdrop, Stewart Ginn, David Merriman, Terry Gale and Handa Open defending Champion Wayne Grady, put the pedal to the metal in an epic challenge...

Okay, maybe not epic, but with Merriman only missing out on last year's largish purse due to a caddy mistake - let's not go there - any chance to get one over Grady was taken with relish.

Golf fans can catch this fearsome foursome and a whole host of other golfing greats in the Handa Open being played at the Concord Golf Club from Friday, 31 October to Sunday, 2 November. Entry is by gold coin donation.

Daylight saving zombies - part II

The story continues, as told by the Herring affected, but often brilliant scribe David 'Teh Rage' Cohen, author of Rottobloggo: To make sense of the many non-sensical references - of the non literary variety that is - you'll need to visit The Worst of Perth... for herein doth the secret lie...

It was a dark and stormy evening; the rain fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in Fremantle that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the scented candles that struggled against the darkness.

Through one of the obscurest quarters of the beautiful port city, and among haunts little loved by the gentlemen and women of the police, a man, evidently from the distant suburb of Floreat, was wending his solitary way. He stopped twice or thrice at different bong shops and houses of a description correspondent with the appearance of the quartier in which they were situated,--and tended inquiry for some article or another which did not seem easily to be met with. All the answers he received were couched in the negative ("F#@k off", were the plain'tive cries); and as he turned from each door he muttered to himself, in no very elegant phraseology, his disappointment and discontent: "C#*ts".

At length, at one house, the landlord, a sturdy sniper, after rendering the same reply the inquirer had hitherto received, added,--"But if this vill do as vell, Cookie, it is quite at your sarvice!" Pausing reflectively for a moment, Cookie responded, that he thought the thing proffered might do as well; and thrusting it into his ample pocket he strode away with as rapid a motion as the wind and rain would allow. He soon came to a nest of low and dingy buildings, at the entrance to which, in half-effaced characters was written "Fremantle Markets." Having at the most conspicuous of these buildings, a boutique brewery or fusion-food restaurant through the half-closed windows of which blazed out in ruddy comfort the beams of the hospitable hearth, he knocked hastily at the door. He was admitted by a lady of a certain age, and endowed with a comely rotundity of face and person.

"Hast got it, Cookie?" said she quickly, as she closed the door on the guest.

"Noa, noa! not exactly--but as I thinks as ow . . ."

"Pish off, you fool!" cried the woman interrupting him, peevishly. "Vy, it is no use desaving me. You knows you has only stepped from my boosing ken to another, and you has not been arter the book at all. So there's the poor cretur a-raving and a-dying, and you . . ."

"Let I speak!" interrupted Cookie in his turn. "I tells you I vent first to Poor Lisa’s, who, I knows, chops the whiners morning and evening to the young ladies, and I axes there for a rocket-propelled grenade launcher, and she says, says she, 'I 'as only nunchuks but you'll get a RPG, I thinks, as Bedford Crackpot’s,--the deranged, as we knows.' So I goes to Bedford’s, and he says, says he, 'I 'as no call for weapons--'cause vy?--I 'as a call vithout; but mayhap you'll be a-getting it at the bong shop hover the vay,--'cause vy?--the bong seller’ll be damned!" So I goes hover the vay, and the bong retailer says, says he, 'I 'as not a RPG: but I 'as a dirty bomb laced with canola, and mayhap the poor creturs mayn't see the difference.' So I takes the dirty bomb, Mrs. Poor Lisa, and here they be surely!--and how's poor Lazy Aussie?"

"Fearsomo! Men are beasts! He'll not be over the night, I'm a-athinking."

"Vell, I'll track up the ammo!"

So saying, Cookie ascended a doorless staircase, across the entrance of which a chunk of corflute, stretched angularly from the wall to the chimney, afforded a kind of screen; and presently he stood within a chamber, which the dark and painful genius of the bloke who painted the pic of the kneeling woman and the Alsation might have delighted to portray. The walls were white-washed, and at sundry places strange figures and grotesque characters had been traced in burnt orange by some mirthful inmate, in such sable outline as the end of a smoked herring stick or the edge of a piece of charcoal is wont to produce. The wan and flickering light afforded by a farting candle gave a sort of grimness and menace to these achievements of pictorial art, especially as they more than once received embellishment from portraits of Brendon Grylls, such as he is accustomed to be drawn. A low fire burned gloomily in a sooty grate; and on the hob hissed "the still small voice" of a kick-arse pan of mandrax. On a round deal-table were two vials, a cracked cup, a broken spoon of some dull metal, and upon two or three mutilated chairs were scattered various articles of female attire. On another table, placed below a high, narrow, shutterless casement (athwart which, instead of a curtain, bloodied mayoral chains had been loosely hung, and now waved fitfully to and fro in the gusts of wind that made easy ingress through many a chink and cranny), were a looking glass, sundry appliances of the toilet, a box of cricketers’ boxes, a few ornaments of more show than value; and a watch, the regular and calm click of which produced that indescribably painful feeling which, we fear, many of our readers who have heard the ravings of the Daylight Savings Murder Posse can easily recall.

To be continued...

Daylight saving zombies attack!

It happened on Sunday morning. The world as we knew it was gone and a dark pall had fallen over suburbia like a blanket over a bird cage.

I stumbled outside to find out where the sun had gone. Yes it was morning, but the harsh glare that would normally prise my lids asunder and prod the sleeping baby until he screamed for his bottle was curiously missing. It had shrunk away and was hiding in the shadows like a dog licking its wounds.

But I had been tricked before. The cunning beast which is the coming of day in Western Australia does not suffer fools gladly. It will tear the eyes from your very sockets and sear your flesh before you have time to mutter, 'where is the 30+?'

I donned my glasses and faux-quokka baseball cap, put the poodle on a leash and ventured into the street. Something was wrong. Very wrong.

Sensing danger I grabbed a five iron from the garage and wrapped the dog's leash tighter around my wrist. I was like Will Smith in that awful armageddon movie set in New York, except instead of an alsation and a pump action shotgun, I had a yappy poodle and a golf club.

The cause of my paranoia became evident immediately. It was pre-empted by a wailing sound, followed by large groups of people floundering about and clawing at their eyes, shouting, 'I can't see', 'Who turned out the lights?' 'Oh my Lord, why hast thou forsaken me?'

They appeared to be blinded, unable to see where they were going... staggering on hands and knees, or scuttling along crab-like, bouncing off trees, tripping on gutters. Joggers, dog walkers, retirees and empty nesters with nothing better to do. Individuals, some gathered in groups, others dragged by pets.

I grabbed a flannel-hatted senior by the collar of his cardigan and demanded he tell me what had caused this nightmare vision before me. 'Tell me old man or you shall feel the blunt end of my Ping!'

He cowered in fear, his eyeballs rolling back into his emaciated skull. His lips trembled. 'Don't you know? Don't you see what they have done? They have taken away our light... our shining beacon. Without it we are doomed. Doomed to wander the early morning streets as the daylight saving damned - wretched, sightless, aimless beasts.'

I threw him into the undergrowth in disgust. 'Get a grip man! The day is here - look around you... is this not light enough for you?'

But it was too late, he had stumbled into the path of oncoming traffic and disappeared in a puff of brown woollen fibres.

'You've had it too good for too long!' I screamed at them. 'You must adjust to the light and learn that you don't need to eat dinner at 5.00pm and be in bed before the final sirens sound on the closing credits of The Bill!

'There is life after Parkinson. It's okay to stay in bed until 6.00am! There is NOTHING to fear...'

But again, too late. Blind eyes and deaf ears. Rather than embrace the change they gathered in even tighter groups, huddled around radios sharing mobile phones to call talkback radio and wail down the line to Hutchison and Beaumont - whoever was willing to listen.

And in time the savagery began. Within days these rabid packs would begin wandering the early morning streets in search of the 'Savers', chanting 'Death to the Twilight' and offering up sacrafices to the 'God of Early Morning Walks'.

Meanwhile, on Rottnest Island, David 'Teh Outrage' Cohen was mobilising forces to take out these vast zombie hoards, but there was much planning to be done. He rolled his first herring spliff of the day, kicked off his deck shoes and leaned back to look out across Thompson Bay to the mainland beyond.

'You f*#kers shall rue the day...'

As the blue smoke curled languidly across the room to join the sea breeze snaking across the salt lakes, making music in the pines, he eyed the cream bun in the pantry and punched 1300-COOKSTER into the Nokia.

'Teh Rage here Cookster. The barge will meet you at the North Mole at 6.30pm once the zombies are safely in bed. You bring the golf clubs and I'll supply the octopus. Tell The Lazy Aussie to pick up Skink and Frank in The Worst of Perth Combi on the way - I have a plan.'

...to be continued.

Shit service...

Okay, okay, I'm sorry, but something stinks about this whole 'turd in the icecream' drama that took place at the Coogee Bay Hotel.

Check out this footage of Jessica and Steve Whyte discussing the incident and look out for the bit where she starts talking about trying to beat the kids to the hard chocolate layer at the bottom, only to find out "Oh my god, they've served me shit!"

I dare you to watch this footage and maintain a straight face when Steve describes how he took the bowl to the maitre'd and said, "excuse me, but you've served us shit... yes, that's the word I used."

And the copper who tells them, "that smells like baby shit" ["baby poo" - steve interjects] only for Jessica to add, "... he obviously doesn't have kids because that wasn't baby shit."

Also a rib tickler is the "middle child" abusing the staff and running around screaming, "you fed my Mummy poo!" Is this some kind of reality TV stunt?

It's appalling, no doubt about it, but it's the Whyte's last comments about how "we didn't complain that much" which suggests the frozen faeces fiasco took place after some kind of incident with staff.

Now we've all heard the horror stories about what staff do with your food when you complain, and while I don't suggest for a minute that this was retribution by an aggrieved staff member, you can imagine someone thinking that a 'complimentary' bowl of poo icecream would be a pretty darned effective payback.

The clincher would be if they were the Brown family, rather than the Whytes.

Be interesting to see how this one plays out, but I've heard the government has called for a probe. No, seriously.

A bath, 756 balls and a semi-naked golfer

Phew! One of the most challenging launch events I've held to date has just come to a succesful end, despite the 1,100 golf balls we ordered ending up in Queensland (instead of Nedlands), the weather turning nasty and much angst over the arrival of a claw footed bathtub...

Yes indeed, it's all well and good to be creative, but until the fat's in the fire and the media throng are within touching distance, the lead up to these events builds a level of anxiety that I imagine only John McCain could understand... okay, maybe not that bad, but enough to promote hair loss!!!

Today at 10.30am we unveiled a claw foot bath filled with hundreds of golf balls and one of the most vivacious and talented young golfers on the Australian women’s tour.

It was all in aid of launching the Handa Australia Cup golf tournament at Nedlands Golf Club, along with the public unveiling of the 2009 Australian Women of Professional Golf Calendar.

This year's calendar features a reproduced image of original calendar girl, Australian golfing legend and 2007 Handa Australia Cup champion Jan Stephenson, in her famous ‘bath full of golf balls’ shot from 1986. The 2009 edition pays tribute to Stephenson and four generations of women golfers participating in the calendar project this year.

To bring that image to life and in line with the Handa Australia Cup theme of ‘Joining the Generations’, young golfer Danielle Montgomery jumped into the bathtub, while Jan Stephenson reminisced about her time in the tub - complete with a frank discussion about her 'nipple covers'.

Also on hand at the launch were legends Peter Senior, Pat Bradley, Stewart Ginn, Terry Gale, Ossie Moore and Rodger Davis, who you can catch in action this Saturday and Sunday 25 and 26 October.

The $100,000 Handa Australia Cup is the world’s only golf tournament to feature male and female golfing legends playing alongside the next generation of golfing stars, including the leading junior boy and girl from each state. It is also the only competition where male and female golfers compete for the same trophy.

The competition was founded by Japanese businessman and philanthropist Haruhisa Handa, who is also the Honorary Patron of the International Blind Golf Association.

*Images courtesy of Natalee Fuhrmann

Legends of golf return to Perth

A release I prepared this week to announce the Handa Australia Cup golf tournament to be held this weekend 25 - 26 October at Nedlands Golf Club.

The launch event will be a corker - we're recreating the famous Jan Stephenson bathtub shot by putting talented young golfer Danielle Montgomery in a bath kindly supplied by Reece and topping it up with 1,100 golf balls.

If that aint worth a 30 second slot in the sports news, I don't know what is!

Legends of international golf, including Ian Baker-Finch, Jan Stephenson and Peter Senior, have gathered in Perth for the Handa Australia Cup at Nedlands Golf Club this weekend, Saturday 25 and Sunday 26 October 2008.

The Handa Australia Cup is the world’s only golf tournament to feature male and female golfing legends playing alongside the next generation of golfing stars, including the leading junior boy and girl from each state. It is also one of only two competitions where male and female golfers compete for the same trophy.

The competition was founded by Japanese businessman and philanthropist Haruhisa Handa, who is also the Honorary Patron of the International Blind Golf Association.

“The Handa Australia Cup is about joining the generations – bringing together rising stars and past champions in one unique tournament,” Dr Handa explained.

Players confirmed to date include Ian Baker-Finch, defending Champion Jan Stephenson, Peter Senior, Pat Bradley, Stewart Ginn, Terry Gale, Ossie Moore, Cindy Rarick, Rodger Davis, Michael Clayton, Bob Shearer, Mike Harwood and many more.

Last year’s Handa Australia Cup marked the return to professional tournament golf for Ian Baker-Finch after a five year break. “Ian’s successful return to professional golf last year has raised the profile of the tournament and created a lot of excitement in golfing circles both here and overseas,” said Tournament Chairman Wayne Smith.

Now in its third year, the 36 hole event was preceded by a combined Pro Am on Friday, 24 October with the Australian Blind Golf Championship – Australian Open tournament from Wednesday 22 to Thursday 23 October.

The purse for the senior men and women professionals will be AU$100,000. This is the second largest senior purse in Australia, surpassed only by the Handa Open to be played the following week at Concord Golf Club in Sydney.

Spectators for the Handa Australia Cup are welcome and entry is free. For further information contact Event Manager Gemma Liddelow at Vault Sports Management: gemma.liddelow@vaultsm.com or (08) 9380 6978

What: Handa Australia Cup
Where: Nedlands Golf Club, Melvista Avenue, Nedlands
When: Saturday 25 and Sunday 26 October 2008 – daily tee off will commence at approximately 10.30am. The Pro-Am on Friday 24 October will have a shot gun start at 12.00pm.

Free WiFi at McDonald's Australia

Some good news that I know many of my geek friends will enjoy. Now you can haz wireless internet connection at McDonald's AND enjoy a Rainforest Alliance Certified Coffee at the same time!

In fact, leave me a comment below, email, or DM me at twitter and I'll even line up some free coffee vouchers for the first 50 respondents (or is that respondees... hmmm, crap word either way, but I'm too busy to care!!).

* Only down side is that the WA roll out won't take place until Feb 09... but as the shampoo commercial states, 'It won't happen overnight, but it will happen!'

Tuesday October 21, 2008

McDonald’s enables customers to roam free

McDonald’s Australia today announced its plans to roll out free wireless high speed broadband internet access to 720 restaurants, making it the biggest provider of free WiFi in Australia.

McDonald’s Australia has partnered with Telstra, the country’s leading telecommunications carrier to offer the free service over Telstra’s Next IP™ network. The staged roll out is expected to be completed by March 2009.

Free WiFi will benefit a broad range of McDonald’s Australia customers, including business people on the move to those wanting to take time out at the weekend to catch up on the latest news or music downloads over breakfast.

In fact a regular hotspot user who pays to log on for an hour a week could save as much as $728 per year on premium WiFi charges by using the McDonald’s Australia free service.

McDonald’s Australia CIO, Henry Shiner, said this new technology will enable our customers to work online using their own laptop, personal digital assistant (PDA), mobile phone or games console at any McDonald’s restaurant.

“Many of our customers are looking to access the internet on the move and we see this partnership with Telstra as leading the way and providing a free and convenient service to further enhance our customers’ restaurant experience.”

“The internet continues to play a larger role in our everyday lives and access to the Internet continues to drive people to seek that opportunity to go online while away from their offices and homes,” Mr Shiner added.

Mr Shiner also explained the additional benefits available with the new service.
“The installation of the Telstra’s Next IP network will mean our staff will be able to access for business applications such as access to training programs and other online information,” Mr Shiner said.

The partnership between Telstra and McDonald’s Australia will ultimately give free wireless broadband Internet access to customers at 720 premium locations Australia-wide.

US Kath & Kim

Okay, so the US version of Kath & Kim has rated well, but then having it sandwiched inbetween My Name is Earl and the US version of The Office is always going to get you a crowd - at least once, maybe twice.

And while US film and TV critics carry about as much weight as Michael Jackson as the CEO of The Office of Child Protection, by all accounts and from what I've seen, this concept hasn't travelled well. Indeed, instead of making it to the east coast of the USA, it would appear that USK&K has struggled to make it much further than Kuta beach before nosediving faster that a Qantas airbus.

I'll have to wait until I see the real deal play out in a full length episode, but to be frank, the greatest appeal of Kath & Kim has been its unique look at Australian life in the burbs - our bogan heartland, with the Kel and his chiploata puns, to Kimmy and her CHARdonnay linguistics.

I think the fact that Americans are unable to digest or appreciate humour from beyond their own border - hello Sarah Palin! - is probably enough to see any translation of Kath & Kim struggle. The only glimmer of hope is that while the yanks really, really don't like to laugh about themselves, My Name is Earl has been succesful in doing just that...

Is the US getting themselves a sense of humour? Christ knows that having figures such as the Bush father and son team, Arnie and Sarah Palin in public office, maybe the joke's really on us?

Last orders please...

Hi folks… I might be an annoying and persistent prick – some would say a dog with a bone – but I’m dressing up like a day-glo remnant from a Happy Mondays gig this Sunday and walking 7kms with the team from Midland Brick to raise money for type 1 juvenile diabetes.

The least you lot could do is click on this link and sponsor me – whether it’s $5, $10 …whatever you can afford.

So c’mon, dig deep!!!

http://walk.jdrf.org.au/WA/JohnCooke/

Wake up Geoff, Richie's mine!

It's funny how teh interwebs seem to render time irrelevant, or so you'd think according to one of the latest additions to Geoff McClure's Sporting Life column in The AGE:

Cheers for Richie, girls — he's 78

THE international 2008-09 cricket season may be just around the corner (22 days to go, in fact: just kidding), so what have the "stars" been up to in the lead-up? Well, in the case of Mr 22 himself, Channel Nine's veteran Richie Benaud, life hasn't been too bad at all. This snap of Richie was taken a few days ago in Positano, Italy, where the maestro was seen enjoying a glass of vino in the company of some of the locals' finest young ladies. Not sure of the reason for all the jubilation but maybe they knew of his coming celebrations. Yep. many happy returns to the ol' fella — he was 78 yesterday.

Now I've been a fan of Geoff's for many years, often scanning his column over the day's first coffee hit during a 10 year stint in Melbourne town. But he's taking a bit of 'license' in claiming the image above was taken "just a few days ago".

I actually received this photo via email from a mate in Perth on 24 July who had in turn received it from a friend - the person who took the photo - while on holiday in Europe.

Indeed, it was posted right here in The Perth Files on 30 July... Indeed, I flicked it across to my comedic buddy The Lazy Aussie who also posted it on The Worst of Perth.

But what the hell... it's a great pic and it fits too damn well with Richie's Birthday for me to concern myself with exact dates - what's eight weeks or so between friends? Hell, it may even extend Richie's longevity, which can only be a good thing, right?!

Geoff, if you read this, I'm the bloke who sent you the pic of Jess Sinclair looking like an extra from the set of Hair the Musical on the day he got drafted to Freo. Now that he's retired it might be time to give that one another outing?

Update: Good to see some loyal blogging support from Sunili at Because I Said So.